It's really been hitting me hard that I'm going back on the dreaded "chemo" in just a few days. While I'm glad to have these next few days to pamper myself, enjoy my energy and eat LOTS of yummy food, I'm starting to think more about what comes next.
I've SO enjoyed being off of chemo for these past seven months — although 7 months is definitely not long enough. It's been so easy to pretend that I don't even have cancer. My energy is pretty great (all things considering), and aside from the normal aches and pains of cancer, I'm not having to deal with side effects of treatments. My hair has started coming back in, and I'm loving it. I feel like my body is finally getting back to "normal" after 8 months of torturous, toxic chemo. Am I truly ready to start all over again?
I don't like it when cancer is forced to be at the forefront of my mind. Then again, who would?! I wish I could live my days pretending that cancer is just a wort or something. An inconvenience, yet nothing to interfere with the quality of my life.
I'm trying to prepare myself and my family for this next season of the unknown. I've already decided to tackle some of the household duties by delegating and having a no-tolerance policy. There's no reason I have to work myself silly around here, when my children are perfectly capable to be more responsible. We've talked about the upcoming treatments and how much I need their help. We all have to take care of each other. I really hope our evenings can remain as normal as possible, yet I'm preparing them to see me on the couch more and warning them that I may not be able to be as active or involved as I'd like to be.
I am definitely NOT looking forward to facing all of the fatigue and nausea and constipation and who knows what else. Having had this taste of freedom for a few months is bittersweet. On the one hand, how can I be anything but grateful?! On the other hand, now I know what I will be missing. I just hate how much energy has to be consumed in just existing and getting by when I'm on chemo. It's like I have to, once again, start focusing on myself and my health. I hate it. I want to focus on others. I want to give and help and serve. Even though I can make myself depressed about what I'll have to give up, I'm sincerely praying that God will give me a purpose through it all. Perhaps there is still a way to give and serve without taxing my energy.
So here I am .... living in the present, thinking about the future and trying not to let the past bring me down.
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