Someone asked me recently if I ever picture myself in a specific future year like 2015. Honestly, I had to pause and think about such a question. It got me thinking about time, dates, the future and how I view my days.
Almost 2 years ago I seriously thought I only had a few months left to live. I never dreamed I'd make it to the year 2012. I knew I would qualify for medicare after being on Social Security Disability for 2 years, but 2 years seemed like an unattainable lifetime away. I remember smirking on the inside because I didn't think I'd even be alive in 2 years.
It's strange. But every once in awhile I find myself viewing my surroundings through different lenses. It's sort of like the opposite of deja vu: like I'm taken out of the moment and realize that I wasn't supposed to even be there. As if this moment could very well be happening without me to witness it.
For example: I was standing at the mirror putting on my make-up this morning and I was struck by how alive I am. On this exact day in 2012, I'm standing right HERE and not walking with Jesus. When I thought my life would be over in 2010, I couldn't picture myself being alive on this particular day. I have other such moments that sporadically occur when I observe my children hard at work or at play and wonder if they'd be doing this exact thing at this exact moment were I no longer alive. Or when I see a funny billboard or listen to the kids fight or throw an empty box of cereal away....I'm in awe that I'm alive to see and witness and do these sorts of things. It's hard to explain. It's like I've been given this different perspective on my days; a viewpoint that these simple, ordinary days were ordained by God. What does it all mean?
So do I think about my long-term future (specifically making it to the year 2015)? I'd have to say: no. I suppose I don't like to think too far in advance anymore. Because if I DO think about future events like teaching Josiah to drive or picking out wedding dresses with Marielle, I get a lump in my throat. Just wondering if Marielle will earn a scholarship to college or how tall Josiah will be in his teens is ALWAYS overshadowed by the very real possibility that I will miss it all.
Instead of thinking about what I could be missing out on, I'd rather be fully in the present. I'll just take every day and every month and every year as it comes....as moments to cherish as well as moments to push through. And I'll praise God for each and every day — for every opportunity to spend more time with my family and breathe the air God gives me. And in the midst of it all, I'll embrace why God has decided that my life still has some sort of purpose for Him here on this particular day.
Time is fleeting, yet each day has already been seen in God's eyes...both the past AND the future.
Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12
- ► 2013 (136)
- ▼ 2012 (201)
- ► 2011 (150)