Wednesday, January 25

my days are His

Someone asked me recently if I ever picture myself in a specific future year like 2015. Honestly, I had to pause and think about such a question. It got me thinking about time, dates, the future and how I view my days.

Almost 2 years ago I seriously thought I only had a few months left to live. I never dreamed I'd make it to the year 2012. I knew I would qualify for medicare after being on Social Security Disability for 2 years, but 2 years seemed like an unattainable lifetime away. I remember smirking on the inside because I didn't think I'd even be alive in 2 years.

It's strange. But every once in awhile I find myself viewing my surroundings through different lenses. It's sort of like the opposite of deja vu: like I'm taken out of the moment and realize that I wasn't supposed to even be there. As if this moment could very well be happening without me to witness it.

For example: I was standing at the mirror putting on my make-up this morning and I was struck by how alive I am. On this exact day in 2012, I'm standing right HERE and not walking with Jesus. When I thought my life would be over in 2010, I couldn't picture myself being alive on this particular day. I have other such moments that sporadically occur when I observe my children hard at work or at play and wonder if they'd be doing this exact thing at this exact moment were I no longer alive. Or when I see a funny billboard or listen to the kids fight or throw an empty box of cereal away....I'm in awe that I'm alive to see and witness and do these sorts of things. It's hard to explain. It's like I've been given this different perspective on my days; a viewpoint that these simple, ordinary days were ordained by God. What does it all mean?

I can't help but feel like I'm living on borrowed time. These precious moments (whether they are good or bad) are moments that are MINE. They are moments that God didn't HAVE to give me — but He did!

So do I think about my long-term future (specifically making it to the year 2015)? I'd have to say: no. I suppose I don't like to think too far in advance anymore. Because if I DO think about future events like teaching Josiah to drive or picking out wedding dresses with Marielle, I get a lump in my throat. Just wondering if Marielle will earn a scholarship to college or how tall Josiah will be in his teens is ALWAYS overshadowed by the very real possibility that I will miss it all.

Instead of thinking about what I could be missing out on, I'd rather be fully in the present. I'll just take every day and every month and every year as it moments to cherish as well as moments to push through. And I'll praise God for each and every day — for every opportunity to spend more time with my family and breathe the air God gives me. And in the midst of it all, I'll embrace why God has decided that my life still has some sort of purpose for Him here on this particular day.

Time is fleeting, yet each day has already been seen in God's eyes...both the past AND the future.


Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12


Terri said...

After reading your blog today, I remembered feeling the same way at times when I was going through treatment. Now here it is almost 5 years later and I can actually sort of think about the future. I appreciate your honesty and how you are looking at this whole thing with your eyes focused on Jesus. There are moments when I think back on all those I have met on this journey, who are now gone, and wonder to myself "what God has for me that I am still here."
I have also been contemplating our meeting each other and how we will affect each others lives.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. You truly speak to my soul so many times through your blog. God IS using you!

Elizabeth Grant said...

Thanks so much for the nice comments! And Terri, will I see you on the 2nd?

Anonymous said...

The truth is, Elizabeth, that we all believe and or expect that we will live to a ripe old age, and many of us will not. Cancer as well as many diseases put a real sense of urgency to our lives. However, far more of us get in our cars each day, drive to work, and don't make it back to our earthly home. Sadly, those people didn't have the driven focus on the timeline of life, purposeful living, or on the relationship with God that you do. I, in no way, want to infer cancer is a blessing, but many things that come from God getting your undivided attention are blessings whether it is cancer or some other life-altering event. I guess that is why He said "when" the storms come. He is seeking us and hoping we seek Him right back regardless of the circumstance. Your testimony reminds me I need to do it so much better.

Elizabeth Grant said...

JJ, I agree! I sometimes feel weird saying that cancer is a blessing, but I feel that ANY trial/struggle/hardship can be counted a blessing if it forces us to grow in our faith. Like learning from past mistakes, it's good to learn from trials, too! Thanks for posting!