dead man skipping

happy LOVE day

2012-02-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

I just cannot say or think the word Love without thinking about God. He IS Love. He is the very essence of Love. True and pure love just cannot exist without God. My own measly attempt at love falls short of its designed nature. My love is tainted with humanness. But God's love is beyond perfection and pure bliss.

I'm totally absorbed in the book of Psalms right now — can you tell?! While many of the Psalms speak of woes and fears, the interwoven theme seems to be about praising God: remembering His might.... recalling His glory.... pondering His wonders.... and basking in His love.

In my devotion to my Savior on this Valentine's Day, my pen overflows with love and praise. If not for Him, well....I can't even imagine. The following are a few verses and feeble attempts of mine to express how much Love means to me, because Love IS God. While these verses don't rhyme, you'll notice how the Psalms are affecting my writing style on this day! :-)

What is love? I see no love apart from You.
Your very Name...Your essence is Love.

How can I but love You?
You are my King and my God.

Yet even the fullness of my love
is but a blemish next to your Glory.

Creator of all things—
The wind breathes Your Voice.
The flowers speak Your Beauty.
The mountains show Your Majesty.
The canyons scream Your Might.
The oceans display Your Wonder.
The birds exhibit Your Compassion.
The stars display Your Light.

All of Creation reflects Your Love.
I can hear You. I can see You. You are everywhere!

To know that You love me?
I am nothing. How can it be?

Your Love sustains me.
Without Love, I would not exist.
My breaths would be hollow passages,
marking time until I was no more.

Instead, Love breathes life into my shell...
Hope into my soul...Joy into my life.

Praise You, oh Lord! Lover of my soul.

side effects

2012-02-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

As far as chemo goes....I can't complain.

Perhaps I'm comparing this chemo drug with my previous cocktail of drugs, but I am loving Halaven. Yes, Halaven has its own set of side effects, but they are much more manageable than my last round of chemo.

Mornings are the worst for me. It takes me a long time to get going and I just don't feel like my normal self until sometime after lunch. Not only am I more fatigued (winded, slow and breathless), I am slightly nauseous and extremely constipated. Once my medicines start to work and I get adequate rest, I usually feel much better. I'm just so excited that my afternoons and evenings are fairly normal. Having these hours of energy is something I do NOT take for granted. How blessed I am to still be able to carry on the normal activities with the rest of my family! If you know me, you know that this is HUGE. I'm sure there will come a day when I may very well be more of a burden than an asset to my friends and family. In the meantime, I'm so grateful to be able to keep our home life as normal as possible for Dale and the kids.

Not only that.....but I have had little to no bone pain for the past few weeks!!!!

I'm pretty sure I can't give all the credit to Halaven. I know several people on this drug who are suffering various side effects that I just don't have. So I'm going to assume that the many prayers on my behalf are being heard and God is blessing the desires of my heart.

Thank you....THANK YOU, prayer warriors! And thank you, God, for taking care of me as always!!

Honest Living

2012-02-11T12:52:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about the condition of my heart lately. As much a I desire a clean and pure heart, I cannot achieve it. No matter how much I read the Bible and pray, it's not enough! I can try and TRY and TRY, but in my humanness, I will always fail. Only God can clean my heart and my job is to be broken and willing to give my messed-up heart to Him. When He doesn't have my whole heart, I feel dead inside. My mind then becomes crowded with so many thoughts and voices.

I wrote a poem that describes what goes on inside of me when I start to pull away from God. I thought I'd share it and perhaps it will encourage someone.

HONEST LIVING

by Elizabeth Grant

voices

noise

chaos

lies

All around! Lord, hear my cries!

trying

failing

choking

dying...

In my head — the constant lying.

"Stop!"

you say?

"Don't move...be still."

Yes, Lord, help me, if you will.

"Clear your head.

Open your heart.

Come to Me broken...that's the start.

Now take that empty heart of yours

and seek me, find me, read my Word.

I will fill you everyday;

Your life renewed in every way.

My Words are Truth.

My Voice is real.

I'll speak to you. Your heart will heal.

Love me.

Trust me.

Rest assured.

All your crying has been heard."

The Joy!

The Peace!

The Awe!

The Love!

Now overflows from God above!

"Don't hide it.

Share it!

Learn it!

Give it!

Once transformed, be sure to live it!

Remember, child...I'm always here.

Just cling to me and have no fear.

Though days are full, and life is hard,

Meet me often; I'm never far.

Once again, I'll calm your mind.

Be still and seek; my Truth you'll find."

Like breathing in and breathing out...

Your Presence I can't do without.

So yes, Lord, I will do my part.

To gladly give you my whole heart.

open my eyes, Lord

2012-02-07T16:26:00.000-08:00

As I continue to read the Old Testament, I must admit that many of the laws and chronological accounts of the wars and the recordings of all the ancestors are a bit draining for these ears of mine. At times I find myself tuning out, but every once in awhile a story or nugget of insight causes me to pause. 2 Kings 6:17 was like a ray of sunshine for me in the midst of all the grey accountings and consequences of generations that continued to pull away from God.

In a brief summary, the prophet Elisha prayed for God to open the eyes of his servant — who was freaking out because he went outside and saw troops, horses and chariots everywhere, sent by the king of Aram. But Elisha knew that God is always with them. Here's what Elisha said, "Don't be afraid! Those who are with us are more than those who are with them." Then Elisha prayed, "O Lord, open his eyes so he may see." Then the Lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha." — 2 Kings 2:15-17

I love it!

I find that I don't think nearly enough about how God has placed angels and warriors all around us to fight for us. It's like we live in only one dimension and there's a whole other level of living that we can't see with our eyes.

I glimpsed just a bit of this amazing truth about 6 years ago. When Marielle was 4 years old, I hit a low point and was fighting for our marriage. I was at rock bottom and didn't know what to do. It's the only time I ever really truly fasted. I didn't wake up saying, "I'm going to fast for my marriage today," but I was just so sick in my spirit that I literally couldn't eat. Food was the furthest thing from my mind. In fact, I probably let the kids watch tv all day, because I certainly don't remember taking care of them. I spent every waking moment groaning in the spirit, because I just had no words. I couldn't get enough of the scriptures, so I poured over every verse, just hoping for some words of hope.

As the day went on, I found my head and heart being filled with God's Voice. Suddenly my marriage was no longer about me and my needs or my preferences. It's all about God! Marriage is designed to teach us to love and serve and most importantly to sacrifice as Christ did. It's a perfect earthly metaphor for our relationship with God. I began to praise Him for turning my eyes toward Him. That day was a turning point for me and a huge leap toward a deeper faith. I had never felt so close to God's presence.

That afternoon I heard Marielle scream from the back bedroom. She came running out with tears in her eyes, visibly shaken. She said something about seeing a monster in the closet. I was a tad preoccupied (with my Bible reading, no less), so I said something about how there are no monsters. But she started to describe the monster. So I told her to just go back in the room and sing "Jesus Loves Me." A few minutes later she came out and showed me a picture she drew of this monster:

Suddenly I was alert! Now keep in mind that my little girl had never been exposed to anything remotely dark in her short life. There is no way that she could have seen something like this on tv. She told me that the monster was flying around and had sharp teeth.

Nothing could have been more shocking or more humbling to me! I immediately started praying over our home. How DARE something so evil be lurking in the sanctuary of my home! I'm not saying that this was indeed a demon, but who's to say? Children have a clearer vision many times and God was surely doing a mighty work. I don't doubt those evil spirits were being stirred just as God was shining his Light of Truth!

I so desperately want to live out my faith with such assurance that although I'm only ONE person, I'm surrounded by the army of God, and NOTHING can harm me! I'm protected and I can walk with God in complete confidence.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. — Ephesians 6:12

childhood memories

2012-02-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

Last week, I took the kids to the Cancer Center for Healthy Living where they participated in Kids Konnected for the second time. This wonderful program is designed to support children whose lives are impacted in some way by cancer. Here, they are able to have fun, eat, meet other children, learn a little bit about cancer on their level and participate in an engaging activity or craft project. Kids Konnected meets twice a month and alternates between on-site meetings and off-site activities, while the parents or caregivers meet in a separate room. I wasn't sure how my kids would react, but so far they LOVE it.

The first meeting made a great impression on them as they walked into the room to find pizza for dinner! When I re-entered the room to pick them up, they proudly showed me the photo frames each had crafted. Besides that, every newcomer receives a teddy bear. We were all told that this bear is to be used in several ways: when you're sad — snuggle with the bear; when you're angry — just punch the bear; when you're happy — play with the bear. Ever since that meeting, my children love and sleep with their bears.

The second meeting was so much fun as the kids were told to arrive in their pajamas. Of course I couldn't pass up the excuse to arrive in my pj's as well (even though I was the only adult in such outerwear)! Who cares? I had fun, too! The goal of the evening was to create blankets. From what I can tell, all the children had a great time. I know mine did.

It's pajama and blanket making night at Kids Konnected!

I love that my kids are always anxious to go back to Kids Konnected. Now-a-days, it's somewhat difficult to find an activity that both my children enjoy at the same time. Marielle is entering those pre-teen years, and along with that comes the emotions, moods and the desire to be alone. While Josiah, on the other hand, is just a kid who wants to play all the time and inadvertently bothers her big sister. The fact that their interests are as opposite as can be, just makes me cherish the times when they interact as loving siblings.

Over the weekend, I made special note of something they did together. It pretty much took all weekend for them to plan, plot and prepare to perform a play for Dale and I, but it finally happened on Sunday afternoon. They had such fun stepping out for all of their costume changes — which included a variety of my hats and scarfs! But the best part was that their play had a spiritual message. They both came out as peace-making pirates, but with swords. When asked why they have swords, it was to kill all the sin inside of other hearts. Later they brought out some room freshener to make others have clean and pure lives. I just LOVE it! Ahhhh.....these are the kinds of memories I want for my children. When they're older and I'm gone, I hope they can look back on their childhood with fondness.

hair shaving party

2012-02-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

What a blast! My women's Bible study is so awesome. These special ladies were able to turn a rather solemn ordeal into a fabulous party. They really brought out the silliness in me. I'm still singing: We. Are. Family..... I got all my sista's with me....!!!

I'll let these pictures speak for themselves:

no regrets for tomorrow

2012-02-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

It's one thing to say: Live in the moment; or Live as if today is your last, but how does one actually accomplish this? It's impossible to live EVERY day as if it were your last. After all, who would want to spend their last day on earth doing laundry or getting stuck in traffic on their way to work? Bills wouldn't get paid, groceries wouldn't get bought, appointments wouldn't be met, etc....etc. Therefore, this is an impossible ideal. I suppose living in the moment is slightly more tangible, yet still very difficult to accomplish in a world full of responsibilities and hard-aches. So how can one apply this mentality of living in the moment?

Right now I'm intrigued by thinking about "tomorrow." Of course no one can know the future, but just imagine, for a moment that we could. Rather than living my life as if I'M going to die tomorrow, I'm thinking about TODAY as if a piece of my life (or circle of acquaintances or personal circumstance) will be altered or gone tomorrow.

This line of thinking began as I was splurging on a frivolous hair cut and pink dye on Tuesday when I knew I'd be getting it shaved the very next day. The "old me" would have said, "What's the point?" Why spend all this time, energy and money on something that will be gone in mere hours?! But, being as life's too short, I jumped in with both feet when my friend suggested it and said, "Why not?!"

I figured that I'd just have a good time and take some pictures and have a great memory. But what I gained from this experience just boggles my mind. I started thinking that if my hair never grows back or doesn't grow long enough to style, then I will have no regrets! This is huge! I can honestly say that I've gotten the most out of my hair now. I feel a little silly talking so much about hair, but the life-long lesson I learned from this is priceless. I find now that I won't be depressed about my hair if I continue with this chemo and move on to another chemo, and another and another, with only short breaks in between. I can look back on my life and say, "Ya' know, I really enjoyed my hair to the fullest while I had it. I took risks and tried different styles and colors. I let my kids play with and fix my hair and I styled it many times for my husband's preference, but I also had fun with it."

I want to be able to say that about EVERY area of my life: Ya' know...I don't have any regrets about this or that!

HA! Just now (right in the middle of this blog post), I received an email from a dear friend who suggested we get together today. I began to reply that another day would be better as I'm not feeling very well from my chemo. I'm a little fatigued, very constipated and slightly nauseous. I'm laying on the couch right now in my jammies with the laptop on my belly. I've been really looking forward to not having anything on my agenda today, so that I can update my blog and work on the taxes and get some much-needed rest.

BUT.....before I hit the "send" button, I felt convicted and completely changed my tune. I just got to thinking about how I need to apply these words I've just written! I told myself, "What if something happens to her tomorrow and I never get the chance to visit with her again?" Or "What if we both really NEED this time to visit and share some burdens?"

YAY! I think I just found another way to apply the concept of "Living in the Moment!" It's about trying not to have any regrets for TODAY when tomorrow comes. If tomorrow never came for me, I wouldn't be able to accomplish everything on my bucket list today. But I CAN be fully in the present today right where God has me. I can love on my husband; I can spend time with my children; I can accomplish my tasks without grumbling; I can make that phone call when a person is placed on my heart; I can pray when the Holy Spirit prompts; I can look around and enjoy God's beautiful creation (whether rainy, sunny, foggy, cloudy or snowy); and most of all, I can remember that tomorrow everything may change. I want to have no regrets!

hair today...gone tomorrow

2012-01-31T20:28:00.000-08:00

In order to help me with losing my hair, some great friends (and talented hairdressers) completely changed my look. I had SO much fun today. What started out as a funky new cut and style, turned into sassy pink highlights and ended with my precious children fixing my hair for the last time in who knows when.

Not only did I feel so loved, I had a blast!! Oh, the laughs....the fun....the moments of unbelief and the thoughts of: Am I actually doing this? Even though I will only have my hair for one more day (I'm getting it shaved tomorrow), I can't express how meaningful this day was for me. I don't know when my hair will grow back — or IF it ever will. I wanted to go out with a bang and have a new style that I wouldn't normally wear. And you know what? — I actually love it. This is such a great transition into wearing various hats, scarves and wigs again. I'm reminded of how much I love variety, no matter how conservative I am!

I just feel so bold right now. The kids absolutely love the pink in my hair, and Dale said I was a hot mama! I've been so giddy all day that at dinner tonight, he said I seem more like the girl he married all those years ago. I guess motherhood, responsibilities and cancer can sure take a toll on a persons youth. While I don't wish to be a kid again, I'm hoping to take away some life-long lessons from this day:

Take more risks. Playing it safe is perfectly fine, but then I would have missed out on all of this goofiness!
It's okay to be sporadic and do something fun and frivolous every once in awhile.
When I normally want to fit in and wear wigs, so I look "normal," I'm excited now, more than ever to walk comfortably and boldly in my scarfs (and I may even go around bald sometimes, too)!
I'm hoping to find other ways to bring back that youthful mindset (especially with my husband and children).

spiritual appearance

2012-01-28T09:43:00.000-08:00

I never really stopped to think about hair being alive. I mean, we cut hair and dye hair and do all sorts of other trauma to our hair, yet don't feel a thing.

Well, let me tell you.....when those hair follicles start to die, THEN it becomes quite obvious how many nerve endings live on the scalp. Oh, it's so tender! When the wind blows, when I try to fix my hair and even when I'm just laying on my pillow....my scalp gets so irritated and sore it takes my breath away and I start to form tears. I know I should just shave it and get it over with, but it's not falling out in chunks yet (just a few strands here and there), so I'm stubbornly holding on. I don't know why....it's just hair. This will be my third time going bald, so I should be used to it, right?

I suppose I'm unwilling to take that step right now, because it's such an outward sign of what's going on with this cancer inside. Honestly, I don't "feel" any different, so I'm just not wanting to "look" different. Perhaps I'm being vain.

I guess I'm struggling, because I feel so completely whole and beautiful on the inside. I know that the Holy Spirit is alive and working hard within me to teach me and help me to grow even closer to Christ. So I rebel at the thought of looking sick again. I don't want to wear a big banner that says: Look at me! I have cancer!

I guess I just need to change my viewpoint that being bald is ugly and sickly. After all, God created our bodies, and hair is merely an adornment.

Actually, the more I think about it, I can't help but compare this to a spiritual life of duplicity. God wants our internal joy to reach beyond our skin and touch others with His glory. It's not about a physical appearance, but more about a spiritual appearance. His Light within should naturally seep out of us. I'm finding such encouragement from this concept. Wow. I needed this reminder. After all, not everyone is blessed with a flawless physical body — is anyone, really?!

Unfortunately first impressions are often based on physical appearance. That is so unfair. Those with a birth defect or a scar or an injury or the elderly or lets face it, even those who are overweight or way underweight get unfairly judged. I'm guilty of it, too. I find myself hesitant to befriend someone who appears so beautiful and "model-like," because of my own insecurities. Oh, I'm feeling very convicted right now. How can I expect others to look beyond my own physical imperfections if I don't take the plank out of my own eye and start viewing the true beauty that lies inside of others!

I feel better now about embracing a bald head. Not only will I raise my head and be proud to be different, I will do my best to see other people as God sees them. I will look beyond the physical appearance of others and strive to get to know the minds and hearts of them.

my days are His

2012-01-25T19:59:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me recently if I ever picture myself in a specific future year like 2015. Honestly, I had to pause and think about such a question. It got me thinking about time, dates, the future and how I view my days.

Almost 2 years ago I seriously thought I only had a few months left to live. I never dreamed I'd make it to the year 2012. I knew I would qualify for medicare after being on Social Security Disability for 2 years, but 2 years seemed like an unattainable lifetime away. I remember smirking on the inside because I didn't think I'd even be alive in 2 years.

It's strange. But every once in awhile I find myself viewing my surroundings through different lenses. It's sort of like the opposite of deja vu: like I'm taken out of the moment and realize that I wasn't supposed to even be there. As if this moment could very well be happening without me to witness it.

For example: I was standing at the mirror putting on my make-up this morning and I was struck by how alive I am. On this exact day in 2012, I'm standing right HERE and not walking with Jesus. When I thought my life would be over in 2010, I couldn't picture myself being alive on this particular day. I have other such moments that sporadically occur when I observe my children hard at work or at play and wonder if they'd be doing this exact thing at this exact moment were I no longer alive. Or when I see a funny billboard or listen to the kids fight or throw an empty box of cereal away....I'm in awe that I'm alive to see and witness and do these sorts of things. It's hard to explain. It's like I've been given this different perspective on my days; a viewpoint that these simple, ordinary days were ordained by God. What does it all mean?

I can't help but feel like I'm living on borrowed time. These precious moments (whether they are good or bad) are moments that are MINE. They are moments that God didn't HAVE to give me — but He did!

So do I think about my long-term future (specifically making it to the year 2015)? I'd have to say: no. I suppose I don't like to think too far in advance anymore. Because if I DO think about future events like teaching Josiah to drive or picking out wedding dresses with Marielle, I get a lump in my throat. Just wondering if Marielle will earn a scholarship to college or how tall Josiah will be in his teens is ALWAYS overshadowed by the very real possibility that I will miss it all.

Instead of thinking about what I could be missing out on, I'd rather be fully in the present. I'll just take every day and every month and every year as it comes....as moments to cherish as well as moments to push through. And I'll praise God for each and every day — for every opportunity to spend more time with my family and breathe the air God gives me. And in the midst of it all, I'll embrace why God has decided that my life still has some sort of purpose for Him here on this particular day.

Time is fleeting, yet each day has already been seen in God's eyes...both the past AND the future.

Amazing.

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

no chemo tomorrow!

2012-01-24T19:21:00.000-08:00

After 2 chemo treatments, I have a week off! Yay!

So what have I done with all this extra time? I'm embarrassed to say that I FINALLY put our Christmas decorations away today. It was a task I had been dreading and used fatigue from chemo as my excuse. But now that my house is put back in order, I feel very relieved and definitely lighter.

The side effects from my second treatment seem to have gone much better than the first week. No hair loss yet, although my scalp has been very tender. We'll see how long those little hair follicles will stay put. I've been having daily headaches, some fatigue and everything tastes like metal (not that I know what metal tastes like)! Every once in awhile I feel dizzy, my eyesight gets splotchy and nausea seems to creep in with no rhyme or reason.

All in all, as far as chemo goes, I seem to be faring better than my previous chemo drugs. I'm excited to not have to have chemo tomorrow. My schedule is on a 21 day cycle. I have a treatment on Day 1 and Day 8, no treatment on Day 15, but then it starts over again on Day 22 (which becomes Day 1 of Round 2). I'll either have to complete 2 or 3 full Rounds (4 or 6 treatments) before I'll have another PET scan.

My head feels like it's going to explode, so I'm out for now....

out of my hands

2012-01-22T14:59:00.000-08:00

I have no idea how this came about, but Josiah has an unusual thing he does at the end of his prayers. After the "amen" is said, he opens up the palms of his hands and throws his hands upwards in a small, quick gesture. I never realized he did this until recently (because my eyes are usually closed!) When I asked him about it, he said that he's throwing his prayers up to God. I asked if he learned this somewhere or from someone, but he said no. I thought this was very sweet and cute, but I wanted to make sure that he knows God hears his prayers even before they leave the tip of his tongue. While he knows this, he still performs this simple little movement — not for anyone to notice...just something he does between himself and God.

The more I think on this, the more I love it.

Earlier this week, I found myself beginning to stress about something that could potentially change the coarse of many lives. Funny how I just "know" what the right answer/choice/direction should be...even before I submit it all in prayer — NOT! I found myself needing to remember that God wants to be involved in every single thing that burdens me, and even better: He wants to handle it BEFORE it becomes a burden. So I prayed about the situation. I prayed from my heart, even if my desires and hopes are selfish. Then I prayed from a surrendered heart: one that wants God's will above all. Did I feel 100% better? No. I still felt some anxiety over that which is beyond my control. So I pictured little Josiah throwing his 8-year old hands up to God to release his prayers. For me, I like this image of praying my prayers, then taking an active approach to trust God enough to collect my words/thoughts/plees, etc. and handle it all. It's a deeper way of letting go — not just with a single prayer of submission, but with a daily reminder that it's in God's hands now.

I still find every once in awhile that I'm tempted to think about this particular worry again. I can feel my heart start to beat a little faster and sense a heaviness start to fill my soul. It's then that I give myself a gentle reminder that this concern has already been thrown up to God...from my hands to His. I shouldn't snatch it back out of God's hands and dwell on it or fret about it.

It may be a very long time before I know how God will answer this prayer. Until then, I will turn my concerns into peace — knowing it's off of my shoulders and onto God's.

week 1 — down

2012-01-17T18:57:00.001-08:00

It's been a full week since my first chemo treatment. It's hard to fully know what to expect this time around, yet I'm monitoring my side effects as best I can.

Last week's effects are probably not the norm, because I also received zometa and a shot to suppress my ovaries (which I will no longer be getting). The biggest side effect has been extreme fatigue. I just get so winded walking around and find that I must rest throughout the day. Other than that, I was feeling pretty crummy and nauseous over the weekend and I'm also trying to figure out how to best handle the constipation.

The worst part of it all was that I had to stay home from church on Sunday. If this weekend proves to be a repeat, then I will try to re-schedule my treatments for Mondays instead of Wednesdays.

I've been doing tons of research (more than normal) about this fairly new chemo drug, Halaven. I believe Halaven began its trial phase only 18 months ago. Like any chemo, it will work for some, but not for others. One encouraging bit of information I've come across is related to tumor pain. It seems that many people have acknowledged increased pain at various tumor sites and their scans typically show a reduction of these tumors after a certain amount of time on Halaven. Interesting!

I have been having much more consistent pain in my right shoulder. But rather than feeling sad about this, I just love picturing the chemo attacking those particular tumors! Now, I don't know if this is actually occuring, but it's nice for me to think about my pain in this way. If anything, when the pain starts up (no matter where), it triggers my mind to pray that the chemo is attacking! Oh, the power of being able to transform our minds into something positive! I love it!

So, yes. It's been a little bit of a difficult week. My body isn't always acting like it used to, and it affects my patience level at home. But through it all, I'm praying that this drug will be somewhat of a magic bullet and praising God for giving me more time on earth.

PET scan image

2012-01-16T07:49:00.000-08:00

I finally got my hands on one of my PET scan images. I vaguely remember viewing my first PET scan back in May of 2010 (before any of my treatments). If I remember correctly, it appeared worse that my latest scan below (taken December 23, 2011).

This image shows the cancer spots/tumors in black. Now, don't freak out about my brain. It shows up black as well, but I'm happy to say that my brain is quite healthy! Tee Hee!!

A scan is never taken of the entire body for some reason; just from the base of my skull down to the upper thighs.

Now you'll notice some spots that are various shades of grey. The cancer is present in those areas, but it's the level of activity that makes the difference in how dark the spots appear on the scan. For example, I know that I have cancer in most, if not all of my ribs and vertebrae, too, but I'm guessing the activity is low enough that dark spots aren't showing up on the scan — which is great news!

I'm so glad to finally have an image to help me better know what's going on inside these bones of mine. No wonder my shoulders and right hip give me trouble. And I guess I have just cause when I complain about my lower back. Yikes!

Wow. I'm especially motivated to pray for these specific areas. Wouldn't it be great to compare this scan with a future one and see a dramatic reduction?!

what a day

2012-01-13T12:09:00.000-08:00

We've been experiencing some extraordinary winter weather here in the midwest. I'm talking: opening-up-the-windows-in-the-house-while-the-Christmas-tree-is-still-up-and-turning-on-the-air-in-the-car weather! That is....up until yesterday. It pretty much snowed non-stop all day yesterday and well into the night.

Normally I would smile and sigh and enjoy the beauty, but the "scrooge" in me has been awakened! Perhaps it's because Dale is enjoying California weather as I speak, and (lucky me), I get to go outside in frigid temperatures to scrape the car windows. Have I mentioned that I'm not a morning person?

Yesterday wasn't quite so bad — as there really is something very lovely about lightly drifting flakes, when the ice hasn't set in yet.

Now today was a whole different ballgame. First of all, chemo seems to be doing a number on me today. I don't feel well, and just want to stay under my covers all snuggly and warm. I'm thinking, "Oh, Dale. If you were only here!!" :-)

Getting the kids to school on bad roads always stresses me out. Once again I'm thinking, "Oh, Dale. If I only had your 4-wheel drive right about now!"

Then after a slow, but successful drive to the school, I have to creep my way up north of town to pick up Marielle's repaired violin. I'm gripping the steering wheel and not caring about the cars that are passing me (going 25mph). Whew. I'm almost there. WAIT! I get STUCK! That's right. I'm making a right turn, up a hill on a side road that has lovely snow drifts from the plow truck. I'm thinking, "Great. I can't even call Dale to get me out of this mess!" So here I am....hauling my nauseous little cancer-infected body out of the car to dig/shovel/scrape all around my tires.

But there are three redeeming parts to this day:

1. A construction worker (I'm calling him an Angel Unaware) just happened to be walking right by my car and offered to help push my car loose. It worked!! Once my heart returned to a normal beating pattern I was able to thank him profusely and praise God for watching out for me.

2. All of the stress and tension of the morning is soon to become a thing of the past as I plan to fully relax for my monthly therapeutic massage here soon. Ahhh....such perfect timing.

3. And last but not least: Dale is coming home tonight! I'm sorry I sometimes take him for granted. He'll be happy to know he was missed in more ways than one.

bursting at the seams

2012-01-11T13:06:00.001-08:00

I am just bursting at the seams! I received a huge blessing today at the Cancer treatment center. Who would've thought?!

When I arrived, I was told that the financial advisor needed to meet with me before I receive my treatments. Oh, great, I thought. What now? Little did I know that I was about to receive some fabulous news. It seems that because of my diagnosis, I qualify for something called Patient Advocate Foundation Co-Pay Relief. What?!! Are you serious?!! This means that not only do I not have to pay any of my co-pays for the entire year of 2012, but my deductible and out of pocket expenses will be taken care of, too!! I can hardly sit still for the excitement is bubbling up within me and threatening to explode! Who knew such a thing existed?

I knew that the beginning of 2012 was going to be rough as we once again will have to make a bunch of medical payments until our insurance can cover everything at 100%. And although this frustrates me from a budgeting standpoint, I haven't been worried or stressed about it. Somehow things always work out and we manage. I can't say that I specifically prayed for relief from this burden, yet God sure worked this out in a huge and mighty way, none-the-less! I feel a tad guilty for not praying about this, but then again, there's something to be said for leaving our finances in God's hands in the first place.

What's more, the financial advisor said that if we hadn't had this trouble and transition with getting our new insurance policy, she wouldn't have gone through all of my files to approach me about this program. Wow. Can I admit, now, that paying for Cobra these past few months was a blessing in disguise? The relief program wasn't available in 2011, so it really is perfect timing.

This extreme financial news totally overshadows my 3-hour stay getting my new chemo today. I just had a smile on my face the rest of the day.

Now that I've been home a few hours, the side effects of chemo are starting to take effect. I had forgotten how immediate these side effects are. It's funny, though, because my pre-meds (given to ward off nausea and other chemo side effects), have their own side effects, too. Right at this moment I feel SO extremely fatigued that I could probably fall asleep anywhere -- even standing up. But I'm also very shaky and wired (effects of the steriod pre-med). It's like there's so much adrenaline flowing through my body, and I'm energized on one hand, and fatigued on the other. Strange, I know. We'll see how I manage to sleep tonigh!

a simple comment

2012-01-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

In my effort to be more social, I will always remember how I felt this day as the recipient of a simple comment.

Before I share what happened, I must make a confession first: I am guilty of subconsciously treating the cashier in a store as a machine. I rarely give eye contact, nor do I provide small talk. First, I feel uncomfortable having a total stranger serve me. The fact that this person is only a couple of feet away and is touching everything I'm purchasing is unnerving. Next, I'm not prepared (physically or mentally) to strike up a conversation. I may or may not be wearing make-up, and I'm most definitely not dressed for a social outing. I'm usually just ready to be done with the never-ending chore of buying groceries or replacing some sort of childwear that has either grown too small or gained too many holes.

And really. I mean who wants to talk, really talk, when there are several carts lined up behind me — I can feel their owners' eyes probing me and wishing they, too were done with their shopping, as a screaming child tries to fill the cart with every single package of gum on display.

These are some of the reasons why I'm in love with the self-checkout lanes. I can do my own thing, without even having to wonder if there's going to be an awkward moment when the checkout worker makes small talk and I don't know how to respond — or worse, he/she makes a small joke that I don't get. And don't get me started on drive-through restaurants and ATM machines. If my bank's ATM is broken, I will literally drive several miles to another ATM, to avoid looking like an idiot when I don't know how to fill out a transaction in front of a teller.

It's really quite sad, I know.

Now back to that simple comment I received and how it will forever change the way I do business.

As I was paying for my purchases (no self-checkout at this store), I could see the cashier out of the corner of my eye. She did a little double-take and then said (quite out of the blue), "I really love your hair." Such a simple comment, yet it caught me off guard and I almost burst into tears. For the life of me, I don't know why she liked my hair. It's nothing special, it's shorter than I'd like, and I didn't even take more than 5 minutes to crinkle in a little hair spray texture and pop in a bobby pin. Now I could have said a mere, "Thank you," but I felt compelled to share why her comment meant so much to me. This gal had no idea that I would begin the process of losing my hair again when I start chemo tomorrow. How timely!

Her simple comment led me to share just a tidbit of my story, which in turn led her to share about her mother's own journey. Her mother passed away recently of breast cancer that was in her bones. Wow.

All in all, our chat lasted maybe one and half minutes. Fortunately there was no one behind me in line, so there was no need to feel guilty!

What I've learned from this encounter, is that there is really very little risk in paying a stranger a compliment. This simple act (when done genuinely) can brighten a person's day. It sure made my day. I read somewhere that it takes a great many compliments to overcome the effects of one single criticism. I'd venture to guess that many people are hard on themselves, so let's just assume people as a whole are hearing or feeling several criticisms throughout the day, which will no doubt affect their self-esteem.

Shouldn't we all be more free with our compliments?!

melancholy moment

2012-01-08T15:47:00.000-08:00

It's really been hitting me hard that I'm going back on the dreaded "chemo" in just a few days. While I'm glad to have these next few days to pamper myself, enjoy my energy and eat LOTS of yummy food, I'm starting to think more about what comes next.

I've SO enjoyed being off of chemo for these past seven months — although 7 months is definitely not long enough. It's been so easy to pretend that I don't even have cancer. My energy is pretty great (all things considering), and aside from the normal aches and pains of cancer, I'm not having to deal with side effects of treatments. My hair has started coming back in, and I'm loving it. I feel like my body is finally getting back to "normal" after 8 months of torturous, toxic chemo. Am I truly ready to start all over again?

I don't like it when cancer is forced to be at the forefront of my mind. Then again, who would?! I wish I could live my days pretending that cancer is just a wort or something. An inconvenience, yet nothing to interfere with the quality of my life.

I'm trying to prepare myself and my family for this next season of the unknown. I've already decided to tackle some of the household duties by delegating and having a no-tolerance policy. There's no reason I have to work myself silly around here, when my children are perfectly capable to be more responsible. We've talked about the upcoming treatments and how much I need their help. We all have to take care of each other. I really hope our evenings can remain as normal as possible, yet I'm preparing them to see me on the couch more and warning them that I may not be able to be as active or involved as I'd like to be.

I am definitely NOT looking forward to facing all of the fatigue and nausea and constipation and who knows what else. Having had this taste of freedom for a few months is bittersweet. On the one hand, how can I be anything but grateful?! On the other hand, now I know what I will be missing. I just hate how much energy has to be consumed in just existing and getting by when I'm on chemo. It's like I have to, once again, start focusing on myself and my health. I hate it. I want to focus on others. I want to give and help and serve. Even though I can make myself depressed about what I'll have to give up, I'm sincerely praying that God will give me a purpose through it all. Perhaps there is still a way to give and serve without taxing my energy.

So here I am .... living in the present, thinking about the future and trying not to let the past bring me down.

a bigger picture

2012-01-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

I must admit that I'm really enjoying reading through the Bible with my children. We have been listening to a wonderful audio version that really brings to life the rich words of the scriptures. As I listen, I'm able to close my eyes and visualize the scenes as they are so eloquently portrayed. This allows me to become absorbed in the Word and glean many new insights. It's like I'm hearing certain passages for the first time.

While I love to journal my insights, I'm taking a more laid back approach at this time. I'm simply enjoying the STORY of Love. I'm getting to see a bigger picture of God and His plan for the entire world.

Here is a wonderful clip that our church is sharing which helps explain a bit of why I'm moving so quickly through the Bible. There will always be bible studies and time to delve a bit deeper into certain passages. But right now I'm just taking it ALL in!

The Whole Sweep Of Scripture from The Work Of The People on Vimeo.

no insurance = no treatments

2012-01-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

Aarrgghh.

I was all set to receive my regular AND new treatments today, but alas....the big insurance company has other plans for my life.

We are officially on a new medical insurance plan (as of January 1st). Yet I haven't received my new insurance card yet. Somehow the three methods to receive our updated information have led to a dead end. We've had no luck with the insurance website, the company HR rep, nor the actual insurance company contact person. I'm really hoping and praying that everything will get worked out within the next week — for I am scheduled to receive all of my treatments on the 11th.

So what is my new treatment?

I will still receive zometa (bone strengthener) every month and beginning next week (hopefully), I will also start chemo. My doctor feels that chemo is the best next option for me. We need to get the cancer back to a stable position before we experiment with other options like estrogen. Evidently the estrogen (Estradiol) has about a 10-15% chance of being responsive, while the chemo (Halaven) has a 40-50% chance of working. I will receive this new chemo for two months and then have another PET scan to determine its effectiveness.

Some of the side effects I can expect with Halaven are typical chemo side effects: decreased blood counts, fatigue, nausea and hair loss. Just when my hair was becoming more manageable, I have to start over again. Oh, well. I knew this day would happen sooner or later.

While it's never a great time to be on chemo, I'd rather endure it over the slow months of January through April than over the summer months. I will be able to rest during the day while the kids are at school and hopefully have some energy to be available to them in the evenings.

I am just SO incredibly blessed to have had such a wonderful Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Anniversary! There were no major health issues or hospitalizations to ruin my favorite holidays. 2012 is a new year, with new treatments and new hope!

in the beginning...

2012-01-03T16:18:00.000-08:00

I just started a program to read and study the Bible daily. I must admit that I don't always feel like reading the Bible, because it's not an "easy read" for me. My personality likes to study the scripture and learn something new. I ask myself, "What does God want to show me through His word?" While I've read the creation story many times, I began with a prayer seeking the Holy Spirit to show me something new. Here are some insights:

Genesis 1:3
And God said, "Let there be light."
This happened on the first day. But it wasn't until the fourth day that God put lights in the expanse of the sky (stars, sun and moon). So where did the light come from on that first day when He created it? Hmmmm....I'm no scholar or anything, but I like to think that the very essence of God himself is Light. he just radiates Light! His Light comes from within and is so unlike anything we humans can even grasp. Just something to think about....

Genesis 1:29
Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground — everything that has breath of life in it — I give every green plant for food."
I was just thinking about God's perfect plan for man and animal in the beginning. There would be no killing of animals for food. In fact, there would really be no reason to work hard (cook and prepare) for our food. We would eat the plants and food that He provided. Isn't that just like our God to provide for our needs? To think that plants and fruit were made for US! This inspires me to eat better and rest knowing that God will provide for me!

And I always love Genesis 2 — The creation of Adam and Eve. It reminds me that as a woman, I have the privilege of "helping" my husband. This is why I was created! Help me, Lord, to always remember to be the kind of help mate that you desire of me. Forgive me, when my pride and selfishness and stubbornness seem to take over.

Genesis 3:16 (after Adam and Eve had sinned)
To the woman He said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you."
Who wants to be ruled over??? I'm not sure I know of anyone. This "punishment" of God's seems awful, because women can be very smart and capable. We have a mind and opinions and a brain. And yes, let's face it....doesn't it feel good to be right sometimes?! Even so, God has placed a real desire for us women to have a healthy relationship with our husbands. I know that when things aren't going as well as I'd like in our marriage, I am totally consumed with it. How do I fix it? How can our marriage be healthy? You combine that with the fact that God says my husband is to rule over me — and LOOK OUT! What kind of cruel joke is this? Well, I'm reminded that although this setup occurred after the fall of sin, the reality is that God designed woman to be a man's helper. While I have no problem being a helper, the struggle occurs because I don't want to be ruled over! But I DO know that God is ever faithful and He completely knows what He's doing and why this is necessary to have harmony in a marriage. When I humble myself to my husband and let him "lead" this family, the benefits are tremendous! Dale is able to shine and be who God designed him to be AND I learn how beautiful it is to surrender my flesh to God. It's more about submitting to God's will and plan for me, than merely letting Dale "rule over" me. When I am humble and have an open and teachable heart, it is THEN that God can use and and shape me!

i made it!

2011-12-31T17:13:00.000-08:00

We are between Christmas celebrations right now. I just love the week between Christmas and New Years because of all of the traveling and family time and the extra blessing of getting to celebrate our anniversary which falls on New Years Day.

Over this past week, I've had numerous occasions to reflect on how this week played out one year ago. Christmas Eve kick-started a week of pain and uncertainty. I spent Christmas Day in the ER and ended up being hospitalized for a couple of days. I was so extremely weak and thin during that time. My days in Missouri with our family members is somewhat of a blur. I do remember, however, being very much aware that this could be my last Christmas. I was just so sick and the future seemed very bleak.

My main New Years resolution was to make it through the whole year and see another Christmas. Oh, how GLAD I am that I made it! God allowed it, and I'm here to witness the beginning of another year. Not only is this a tremendous blessing, but I consider it a miracle.

I feel more alive than ever! I can't wait to see what 2012 will bring!

latest results

2011-12-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

It's time to give an update. My oncologist called me this evening to give me the results of my latest PET scan: a little bittersweet news. He began by telling me that there are no new cancer spots. Cancer is not found in any soft tissue organ, and continues to remain in the bones only. I was very relieved to hear this! He did, however, share that there is indeed increased cancer activity in several areas — enough activity to warrent a change of treatment. I suppose the progesterone therapy has run its course.

I had assumed that I would begin chemo treatments again, but it looks like there may be another option to consider. I'm not really sure of the details yet, but he mentioned trying another hormone therapy. I am scheduled to meet with him next Wednesday (the 4th), so I should have a better idea of what we're dealing with.

While this isn't the best possible news (as we're still back to guessing what may or may not work), I'm very encouraged that there are several treatment options still available. And I'm hopeful that 2012 will bring a year of successful treatments and better health than ever!

my gift

2011-12-26T09:48:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in McDonalds listening to a bunch of crazy, loud children screaming at the top of their lungs in the play area. We are on our way to visit Dale's sister and celebrate another Christmas. We were on the road a good chunk of yesterday, and still have a couple of hours left to go. I don't have much time to write, as I'm sure Dale is anxious to get back on the road (and my ears probably can't take much more anyway). But while I have this brief moment, I want to jot down the best Christmas present I have received this year.

Marielle made sure that I was the first in the family to open a gift. I had tears in my eyes as I listened to her read the gift she gave me. It's a poem that she wrote (and even typed it for me):

THANK YOU
by Marielle Grant

I want to tell you
about someone I know
Someone who's a friend
and not a foe.

She'll help you with work
Half-past midnight
She is indeed
A shining light.

She's helped people through
the bad days they've had
And calms them down
When they are mad.

She's covered with blankets
As she sits on the couch
And she'll cuddle you up
Like a soft, cozy pouch.

We think of her
Deep down in our heart
Because she's so special
We'll never depart.

I just want to thank her
For the years we've spent
And I can tell you
She's worth more than one cent.

Thank you, mom!

Wow. I'm so touched. I will treasure her words forever.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I'm sure I'll write more about things later. But right now I must seek refuge inside our car!

it doesn't matter

2011-12-24T09:39:00.000-08:00

I say the phrase, "It doesn't matter" so often to the kids. I used to be fairly uptight about certain things and somewhat of a perfectionist, but I must say that my view on life is so drastically different now. There's just not much worth worrying about or fretting over. I've found that in the grand scheme of things, many of life's stresses just don't matter.

It's this simple phrase that keeps going around in my head since my PET scan yesterday. I find that it really doesn't matter what the results are. My life is in God's hands no matter what the future holds. Of course, if the test is good, then I stay energized for awhile longer, and if the test is bad, I go back on chemo. But regardless, I'm still the same deep down. I have a peace that no test result can ever change. I'm living in a place between what I know and what I don't....the place where all I have is faith that God knows what is ahead and I can hang on to Him.

I trust Him to use my life for His glory and His great purpose that only He can see. So really, I'm happy either way. There's no need to worry and spend the next few days wondering what the results are. It's not like my whole life is determined by one test result. The course of my life may take a different direction than I would desire, but ultimately my journey is God's to plot.

So....it really doesn't matter.

a touch of heaven

2011-12-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

It was a night I will never forget as long as I live. It was a night my husband and children will remember long after I'm gone. I hardly have the words to say. It's times like this I hate the limitations of words. How can I hope to capture the emotions and smiles and feelings and tears? How can I describe the lump I have in my heart right now? How in the world can I even begin to wrap up all of the love and prayers of people I don't even know?

Mere minutes ago, my house was filled with dozens of people (most I have never met). Songs of joy and praise filled the rooms of my house as they sang carols of worship to Christ the King. Emotions ran high and compassion emitted from every precious soul.

A wonderful lady (who has a daughter and a son) lost her husband to cancer about a year ago. Over 200 people came to her house last Christmas to sing carols to her dying husband. They were all very blessed and continue to be blessed by that precious memory. She felt led by God to pass on that blessing to another family and was directed to our home. What a blessing it was — and such a surprise! We were serenaded by a beautiful orchestra of men, women and children, and were presented with gifts. Their support and prayers mean more to me than anything. How can I ever doubt what God is doing in this world and in the lives of so many? Being surrounded by a flock of people (we were literally standing shoulder to shoulder in my dining and living rooms), just felt like being surrounded by God. It was His arms wrapping around me, and His voice reassuring me that all is well and He is Love. Powerful.

I was blessed to meet Kristie (the organizer) and here her story. I can only try to imagine the pain she's had to endure watching her husband suffer and then go on to Jesus. I wonder what this past year has been like for her and her children. But rather than cry and be depressed, she has such a strength and faith about her. Her being able to pass on this blessing is so inspiring to me. I'm sure she grieves, yet here she is giving.

I broke down and cried as I watched her two children talk and laugh. I was given a little glimpse of "life after" the death of a parent. And what I saw was so comforting. In the brief time we visited, they appeared happy and healthy and normal. Kids are so transparent — so I'm positive they weren't just putting on aires.

I thank God so much for giving me this little glimpse of how life can be for Marielle and Josiah when I'm no longer on this earth. There's no reason to think they will suffer and be depressed and spiral downward in all areas of life. Life will go on and God is the One constant we can all count on. I'm rejoicing with God at how their lives will no doubt blossom in the future. God has great things in store for them — whether I'm around or not.

A touch of heaven came to my home tonight. What more can I say.

the week in review

2011-12-22T15:15:00.000-08:00

What an incredible week it's been. Something fabulous has happened every single day.

On Monday, we were able to have the plumber come and take care of the pipes in our basement. Not only was he efficient, he didn't even charge us! I can't get over it. His work was truly put to the test as I ran the water for about 8 hours straight that night — doing 5 loads of laundry, 2 dishwasher loads and running the shower! Having water again is so wonderful.

Tuesday brought another unexpected financial blessing. We were contacted by the kids' school and have been one of the recipients of a generous tuition donation. Our tuition payments are completely covered through the end of the school year! Once again, I'm in shock.

I really try not to worry about money — after all, it's only money. With that said, I've not been looking forward to the new year when we will once again be shelling out money for medical insurance deductibles and out of pocket payments. With Dale's new job, we will be receiving new coverage and I'm more than a little nervous about it. We've never had a co-pay before, so this will be new. I really hope all of our doctors and treatments are covered under his new plan.

Anyway, I'm so grateful for these financial blessings and for the generous people who selflessly give.

Yesterday was simply wonderful in every way. I got to host a Christmas party for my women's bible study group. The stage was set: snacks on display, candles lit, house clean, ham in the oven, then the arrival of 6 fun and loving ladies. It was the best night! Our 6:00 to 8:00 time frame lasted until 10:00! We laughed, stuffed our faces, exchanged gifts, shared "way-too-personal" information about ourselves, cried and prayed for each other. I barely know these ladies, yet feel so connected as our lives are being intertwined.

Some of the Christmas goodies I love baking every year.

Today has been a gloriously relaxing day. In fact, it's dinner time and I'm still in my pj's. I've been enjoying having a clean house and no pressing activities. Tonight Dale wants to take me to see a movie, so I guess I'll have to get dressed here soon.

Tomorrow evening I get to look forward to some dear friends coming over and bringing pizza for dinner. Nothing sounds more heavenly right now than relaxing with friends and not having to cook!!

If I haven't said so before....I simply LOVE this time of the year. I love that my Christmas shopping is done, presents are under the tree, kids are home from school, everything is baked and I get to anticipate traveling out of town for a whole week to celebrate two more Christmases and our 15 year anniversary!

As a side note, I know that I mentioned not having any back pain last week. Well, that was wonderful, but only lasted about two days. The pain has since, slowly returned. I have another PET scan scheduled for tomorrow around noon. Hopefully I'll hear a good report a few days after Christmas.

a day in the life

2011-12-18T16:54:00.000-08:00

I know I'm not alone when everything bad that could happen (at the worst possible time) happens one after the other on the same day — completely interrupting my perfectly planned schedule.

Now that yesterday (THAT day) is over...not only am I relieved, I actually have the time to sit down and write about it:

morning
Dale and I wake up to find more water leaking in our basement. We recently had our pipes cleaned of tree roots, so we know that's not the issue. It seems to be getting worse, and we don't know the source. When the washing machine goes, it leaks. When I run the dishwasher — yep, more leaking. Saturday is really my only day to do laundry, but it's not going to happen. So Dale goes out to buy some supplies and see if he can find out what's wrong.

mid-morning
Dale returns home and somehow pulls his lower back very badly. He can barely move. I have to help him lay on the couch and I can just feel his pain. To add to the stress of the day, we're supposed to be singing a duet at church tonight. Is Dale going to be able to walk and stand and sing?

noon
I'm completely having second thoughts about singing tonight. My throat is so sore and my voice is extremely hoarse from this nasty sinus infection that won't go away. With Dale's new problem, I wonder, "Is this a sign?" We try to run through the song and I'm almost in tears because I don't have much control over what my voice does. Yet Dale is firm that we should do it. Meanwhile, our basement is still full of water and stinking up our house.

afternoon
We make it to the church for practice. I have to drive as Dale is in so much pain. Going into this rehearsal, I tell myself, "I'll give it a try. Maybe the microphone will somehow camouflage my voice or a miracle will occur. And I can always bow out and let another female sing my part." Rehearsal goes fairly smoothly, yet I'm still nervous and unsure if I can perform tonight.

evening
We're at the church waiting to sing. As uneasy as I am, I realize that in all things, God is my strength. He often allows me to be in a low point, so that I am weak and must rely on God and his strength. I tell you, I do NOT feel at all prepared, but I pray for God to use my voice and help me not to be a distraction from worship. Now that it's over, others tell me it went very well. I have to trust them, because I could hardly hear myself with my clogged ears. Ugh.

night
The night is far from over. Dale must spend a huge chunk of time using the wet-vac in our basement. I don't know how he can do it with his back so messed up. Poor guy. Before I head to bed, I check in on him and he tells me he just dumped out the 15th gallon of water. Once I'm in bed, the little stress headache I had on the way home from church has made it's way to behind my right eye. I start getting nervous, because this is exactly how my migraine began. I'm exhausted. I can't read, so I turn off the light and try to sleep. My brain won't stop thinking about how horrible it's going to be to try to sing again for two more services the next morning if I have a migraine on top of no voice. I toss and turn. When I finally find a position that my head doesn't scream at me, I'm forced to move again, because of the drainage in my nose. I can't get comfortable and I'm in tons of pain. After trying for 2.5 hours to fall asleep, I finally surrender to blissful slumber. Yet this is not quite the end of the day. I toss and turn all night and pretty much dose off only to wake up 10-15 minutes later.....ALL NIGHT LONG. My daughter "wakes me up" at 6:00 am, yet I've already been awake since 3:30. It's going to be a long day.

lesson
Thinking back on the events of yesterday, I'm reminded of how much I prayed throughout the day. It comes very natural to pray when things go wrong — especially when events happen one on top of the other. But after the wonderful weekend of getting baptized with my children, I've been reminded of how important it is to pray when things are going great. I began the week on cloud 9 — just knowing that life was going to be so much better from now on. Yet even though I was on top of the world and life just couldn't seem to get any better, I was well aware of how satan HATES it when we proclaim God. He hates it when we take a step of faith. He despises happy, healthy marriages. He will ruthlessly destroy relationships. He will do whatever it takes to bring believers down. He's so afraid of losing control in our lives to Someone named Jesus. Early in the week, I began to pray in advance for protection from the attacks I knew satan had planned. I prayed for our home, our family, my marriage and each child.

Even though the week brought a sinus infection, a plumbing problem and excruciating back pain, I know that nothing can come between God and myself. I don't expect my prayers to always keep satan from doing what he does best: living to mess up our lives. But this is no reason to not pray BEFORE things go wrong. I need to always be armed with God's truth in order to not fall victim to satan's sneaky ways of regaining control. Oh, how he HATES to lose even one of us to God. I picture him trying extra hard to win us back. So I must be ready when those tough times come.

bottom line
I will pray ever so much more now. I won't wait until I'm in a pickle or need help. Praying when everything is going just fine is a beautiful way to stay in communion and keep my faith strong — let alone protect me and the ones I love from satan and his attacks.

December 16

2011-12-16T07:40:00.000-08:00

I had a sobering thought last night — on this day, exactly 15 years ago I graduated from college! Wow. Where has the time gone? Sometimes I still feel like I'm in my early twenties, yet most of the time I feel so old (like when just want to fall into bed right after dinner). But I guess mostly I just feel my age. Anyway, I will never view having another year under my belt any other way than a gift: For each year brings wisdom, a deeper compassion for others, a growing walk with God and many, many happy memories.

No longer do I have the face and body of a 21-year old, or the youthful ideals of life. Instead, I have a house full of love and a depth for life that I never knew existed within me. I have years of living to remind me how far I've come and how blessed I am. I can't say that I have any regrets of my 36 years on earth. All of my mistakes and poor choices have shaped me and been used to bring about a deeper understanding and faith in God. Who knew that when I took off that cap and gown, my new journey in life would bring me to this point? Oh, I was so naive! The years have been hard, yet they've been wonderful.

Life is short, God's way of encouraging a bit of focus. — Robert Brault

i can't believe it!

2011-12-15T16:51:00.000-08:00

For the first time in 20 months, I don't have any back pain! It was so obvious to me yesterday, when I went all day without my back brace and STILL didn't have any pain.

I've been pretty drugged up on antibiotics and sinus meds for a new head cold or sinus infection (YUCK!), so I thought maybe the drugs were numbing my back pain. Then as I thought about it, I knew there's no way those drugs would completely remove the type and level of bone pain I've become so acquainted with.

The most amazing confirmation came today as I was getting a reflexology treatment. The gal always works out some of the issues in my body — she's amazing. She noticed right off that my sinuses and esophagus were very gunked up, and she spent quite a bit of time working on these areas. When she got to my back section, she stopped abruptly and said, "There's nothing in your back! It's just very clear and smooth." This is highly unusual, because my back and ribs have always been troublesome and she knows it. I got chills and then told her that my back stopped hurting yesterday.

Today I ran many errands and am usually ready to crash by mid-day, as my vertebrae gets too much strain. But now it's almost 7:00 pm and I feel perfectly fine and energized!!!

What is going on?! I feel like God is really doing something wonderful. I don't know if the cancer is shrinking — or if God is just taking my pain away. But regardless, I'm so happy and encouraged! I can't wait to see what the results will be of my next PET scan on the 23rd.

I'm counting these days as wonderful gifts from above. After living with constant pain for so long, I had forgotten what it's like to be able to stand and sit and lay and move without some sort of shooting pain happening somewhere.

Thank you, Lord for these moments of no pain. I'm still trusting You and putting my life and my health in Your hands. No matter what, I will love you and praise you. Please hear the cry of my heart and work a miracle in this body of mine. I read the other day that your Spirit resides in a clean body. I've been washed clean through and through and so desire my body to be a healthy dwelling place for You. Nothing is impossible for the God who raises men from the dead and stops the sun in the sky! My life is Yours.

the best day ever

2011-12-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

According to Josiah, this was the best day ever. I memorized his bedtime prayer because I never want to forget it: Dear God, thank you, this was the best day ever because I got baptized. Please help me to live a better life now. And please help mommy, because she gots cancer and she's had cancer for SO long, please take it away. In Jesus' name, Amen.

And he's right! It WAS the best day ever!

There are just no amount of elaborate words to describe how awesome it was to stand in the baptismal with my whole family. I prayed last night that when all four of us would step into the water, we would be unified as a family; we would be a family who builds each other up and helps one another to grow in our faith. I prayed that my marriage would grow strong and Dale and I will be unified as husband and wife. I prayed that both of our children will be touched and forever changed. I prayed that the cleansing of my outer body will run deeper and cleanse my very core. When the pastor began to baptize Marielle (she went first), I got choked up and started to cry. I just had to squeeze her when she came up out of the water. Next it was Josiah's turn, then I went last. Oh, the bliss! I'm just so happy!

As if things couldn't get any better, the sermon today just happened to be about healing. Lately, I've been praying more fervently for a physical healing, but ultimately it's the Spiritual healing that means the most to me.

After the service, a woman and her husband came up to me. I had never met them before. She had tears in her eyes and told me how moved she was by my story. (My video testimony was shown before the baptisms). I could tell she wears her heart on her sleeve, and she blessed me by caring so much — and I don't even know her! We talked for awhile and then she placed a check in my hand as she walked away. Wow. God has already done so much for us, I can't even fathom Him blessing us more through the giving of this fellow believer. I'm floored. I'm humbled. I'm grateful. And I want to praise God for this blessing and for taking care of us!!!

After church, we splurged a little bit and celebrated with lunch at Olive Garden. What a treat! While we waited for our food, I presented Marielle with a devotional book and Josiah with a prayer book. We talked about spending time with God regularly. I love watching their eagerness to know God more and I'm just so excited to see how God is going to work in their young lives.

Since we weren't home at lunch to light the Advent Wreath, Marielle fixed up a little dining room picnic for us this evening. It was so cute. She fixed a menu and even provided background music on her violin.

I must agree with Josiah: It was the best day EVER!

Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin — because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. Romans 6:3-7

three upcoming baptisms

2011-12-08T10:32:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy to share that the kids and I will be getting baptized this Sunday! I can hardly wait. I feel so blessed to be able to share in this monumental turning point with both Marielle and Josiah.

Each of my children have asked Jesus to come into their hearts and lives when they were younger. Throughout the years I've tried to help them grow and understand what it means to let God work in and through them. I'm so pleased that they are ready and wanting to be baptized. This will be a day that they will remember forever, and I sincerely pray it will be a turning point for them as they publicly acknowledge their walk with God.

I was a little bit older when I was baptized. What?! So why am I getting baptized again? Well, when I was 13, I had broken my arm and wasn't supposed to be submerged in water, so my baptism was by sprinkling water on my head, yet the bible speaks of baptism through immersion. Here's my story:

I vividly remember being baptized and what it signified for me. Around that time, I was tired of being "bad" and mean to my sisters. I wanted to change, but I knew that I couldn't on my own. So I cried out to God (on the floor in the locked, basement bathroom with a towel over my head!). I heard God whisper in my heart that He forgives me, but I needed to ask my family members to forgive me, one by one.

I didn't know much about surrendering my life or clinging to God in faith when things go wrong. But my child-like mind knew that I needed God and wanted to follow Him.

After my baptism, I truly felt clean of my past sins and ready to begin a new life. I don't know how God did it, but I became nicer to my sisters and more responsible at home.

Since my baptism represents a dramatic turning point in my life, I've really struggled with being baptized again. Our church strongly believes that a believer should be baptized through immersion, yet of course I wasn't. Does this mean that my baptism at age 13 "didn't count?" No. It absolutely was genuine and God knows my heart.

So, why get baptized again?

The prideful and humanness side of me has fought this notion that I should be baptized through immersion — as if my baptism was not real. But the Spirit has brought to light this pride. If for no other reason, I will be baptized this Sunday to humble myself and overcome this prideful attitude. But that is not the only reason. In my own spiritual journey, a second baptism is the PERFECT way to proclaim what God has done in my life and what He continues to do.

1 Corinthians 13:11 says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." When I was a child, I was just beginning to follow God, yet still remained a very self-absorbed teenager. In my twenties, my faith became tested as bigger issues presented themselves and forced me to call upon this God I proclaimed to know. My late twenties proved how real God is and how much He can be trusted, as I was underwent treatments for breast cancer. But it wasn't until I turned 30 that the scales began to fall off of my eyes. God had been drawing me so close to Him that I realized I had been holding on to too many areas of my life. I couldn't honestly say that I loved God with ALL of my heart and ALL of my soul and ALL of my strength and ALL of my mind (Luke 10:27). I loved myself a little too much to give up all of me. At that crisis point of ultimate surrender, I glimpsed God like never before. My own life was immediately put into perspective when held up against the most powerful and glorious and wonderful Creator of all things. How humbled and broken I was! God gave me such an eagerness to know Him more every day. His Word became my very breath.

So I will gladly be baptized this Sunday. I am so excited to stand and proclaim the name of our Awesome and Sufficient God. Standing in the water, I will hold my breath in anticipation of this great act and remember that Christ himself was baptized. I will be completely submerged in water to signify my old life dying. And best of all, I will be raised up out of the water a completely new and clean child of the King.

results & routine appointment

2011-12-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

I had my routine doctor's appointment today, along with my treatments. I'm happy to say (although not surprised) that the results of my MRI showed no cancer in my brain! I just had one nasty headache. The MRI did show more bone issues throughout my skull, due to cancer, but my doctor says that is to be expected. He's not particularly worried, so I guess I won't be worried either. I'm just glad the cancer still only remains in the bones!

I've been having more consistent pain in three areas: right hip (outer and inner), right shoulder and middle section of the left ribs. This pain doesn't keep me from doing normal activities, nor do I feel like I must take pain killers. The pain is sporadic, yet it seems it doesn't take anything to trigger the bone pain, and it lasts for longer periods of time. I will have another PET scan on Friday, December 23rd. Hopefully I'll get good news for Christmas!

While it was a long day at the Oncology Center, an unexpected pleasant surprise occurred. An elderly man who was getting his chemo treatment turned 67 today. He brought scrumptious cupcakes for everyone! How sweet! This gesture made me smile and gave me something to do while I sat, waiting for my IV bag to empty.

I finally made it home to find a graphic design job waiting for me. Even though I have pretty much quit my graphic design business, I couldn't pass up this simple job. It won't take me too long to design, and the extra income couldn't come at a more ideal time. I'm feeling pretty blessed right about now.

time to finally update

2011-12-03T20:05:00.000-08:00

Okay. I'm on a roll, so I just have to write about some of the things that have been going on here in the Grant household as of late.

Our house is finally decorated for Christmas!

Now that the decorations are up, I can almost feel our house sigh with pleasure. It seems like our house is naked for ten-and-a-half months of the year. Does anyone else feel this way about their home? I just love walking throughout the house and feasting my eyes on all of the cozy eye candy while I catch a whiff of something cinnamon. Even though the kids are anxious for the first fluffy snowfall, I'm quite content to enjoy winter from the comfort of my warmly decorated home.

Marielle was Mary and Josiah was a king's servant in their Christmas Play.

Last night Marielle and Josiah performed in the Christmas Play at our church. I was definitely a proud mama. There were over 100 children in this play and even our pastor and his wife provided some comedy relief. It was such an entertaining program, full of laughs — some scripted, some only children can come up with. All in all, it was a great way to spend a Friday night: remembering why we even HAVE a Christmas to begin with!

Marielle and Josiah are conked out.

While I've been hiding away in my bed all evening, updating my blog, my children have been fulfilling an annual tradition. They love to have a slumber party in the living room and fall asleep next to the Christmas tree. We all watched a Christmas movie, ate pizza and then I left them alone to play and talk and stay up as late as they want (within reason, of course). It didn't take them too long to retire. Poor things. It's been a long weekend.

breaking the silence

2011-12-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

Even though I earnestly want to, I have a hard time being all "perky" when I'm feeling down and consumed with my own troubles. Of course, you know about the physical issues this past week (with my torturous headache and nausea that pretty much knocked me out for 3 days). But there has also been some draining emotional and relational stuff going on, from several fronts. I really feel like God has been working overtime in my life lately — stripping away more and more layers. While I know this is a good thing, it makes it difficult to know what to share on my site. I always want to be real and vulnerable, but some things are better left unsaid and not broadcast all over the cyber world.

It is practically killing me to not document every single Christmas-type thing we do. I just LOVE everything about this time of year. That will never change. But I feel strongly that I would be coming across as fake if this is all I wrote about.

During this process of purging and cleansing, I really don't like to be around myself. I'm moody and I'm depressed, so why would I only write about the good things? I end up going for days without writing anything, because why would anyone ELSE want to be around me either? Oh, I could post pictures and talk about the good and productive things I've done, or mention the weather and throw in some tidbits about the holiday festivities. But when I'm going through such a deep struggle, these things seem trivial.

I finally feel ready to write from my heart. Oh, what a finicky thing it is, this heart of mine! One minute I'm wholly devoted to God and the next, I'm letting my worldly concerns completely consume me.

I would stay in that state of confusion and despair if it weren't for God and His precious Word.

It all started with the Horrible Headache from Hell — or was it Heaven sent?! As I was laying in bed, trying but unable to sleep, I felt nothing but pain and pressure with every heartbeat. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't see, I couldn't really do anything. So what's left? Talking to God! [too bad this is how God has to get my attention sometimes] So as I was talking with Him, I realized the pain and throbbing had stopped. Of course when I began to think about my headache or other things, the pain would start up again. I began to think of the scripture of Jesus walking on the water. Peter wanted to walk on the water, too and he DID! But when he took his eyes off of Jesus, he began to sink. When I stopped communing with God, my headache acted up again. Just like when I start to take my eyes off of His strength and constancy and love and goodness and power and sovereignty and complete perfection, of course I'm going to sink! DUH! I will sink into loneliness, despair, confusion, worry. I will sink into myself and my problems and my pride and my little world that seems so big, but is really not. I still had the headache for a couple of days after this little lesson, but oh, what a lesson! I realized once again that He is HERE. He is everywhere, whether I feel Him or not. The realization hit me like a soothing balm.

And during those times of choppy and incoherent prayers, I clearly heard God speak this to my heart: Cast all of your cares upon me. Perhaps my cares and stresses had triggered the headache. Who knows. But I DO know that there is really no need to carry around any burden, when God actually WANTS to carry it all for me! Amazing.

To be true to my motto: enjoying life through incurable cancer, I mustn't just cover up the hard times with an over abundance of busyness and traditions and fun activities and family memories. I can't simply ignore the depressing thoughts that sometimes take over. This journey of life for me is about working through the struggles WHILE consciously making the effort to enjoy life and find joy in the simple things. Part of working through the struggles is getting to that point of letting God have those struggles.

Now that I'm free from worry and strife.....LOOK OUT! I feel some ooey-gooey, sickeningly sweet journal entries about to take over!!

headache

2011-11-30T16:02:00.000-08:00

I know that I haven't written in a few days. Our whole family got together for Thanksgiving and I'm still thinking so fondly of our visit together.

Then it was time to jump back into the normal routine once again. The past few days have been rather busy and slightly stressful, culminating in a severe headache for myself. I get headaches pretty regularly, but nothing like this. It started around 4:00 last night with a pounding on the right side of the upper part of my head. My medicine didn't make a dent in the pain, so I went to bed hoping the Tylenol PM will knock me out. I DID sleep fairly well, but woke up to the same headache. After getting the kids off to school, all I could think about was going back to bed. More medicine wasn't working, nor could I keep my eyes open since light was irritating (of course it just HAD to be a bright and sunny day today)! Hee hee.

Anyway, finally around 1:00, I felt the urgency to call my doctor. The pain had now sharply moved to right behind both of my eyes. I knew this nasty headache wasn't getting better, only worse, and making me nauseous as well. By this time I'm pretty sure it's a migraine, although I've never been diagnosed with having a migraine, so I'm not real sure what it's like.

To make a long story short, with phone calls back and forth from various nurses, I have an MRI of my brain scheduled for tomorrow at 10:30. Like I said, I'm pretty sure this is just a headache, but my doctor wants to know what's going on inside, so that he can better know what to prescribe. I guess I can understand that, but in the meantime, I must once again draw patience from God. I just wish for a quick fix of pain medicine!

rainbows

2011-11-22T11:57:00.000-08:00

Every once in awhile I come across a saying, a quote, a scripture, or even a billboard message that causes me to do a sort of "mental-double-take." When something jumps out at me, I like to shut out my little world and take a moment to just think about it. In the book I'm reading, I just stumbled across one of those neat sayings: Life is a mixture of both rain and sun, with rainbows in between.

When it's raining (like it is right now), there is the hope of a rainbow and the promise of sun to follow. While I love the rain (---I'm a "Seattle-gal" at heart), I love it even more when it rains while it's sunny. How simply beautiful!---To see the sun beams breaking through the clouds as a drizzle coats the earth. *sigh* And life is certainly like that: a mixture of the two. To only wish for sun, would be tragic. I can appreciate the rain, not only for it's purpose, but for it's beauty.

I love to think about rainbows being a mixture of both tears and smiles. I want my life to be a rainbow.

pass the pills please

2011-11-21T12:32:00.000-08:00

As I prepare to head out of town for Thanksgiving, I must make my lists, do my packing, clean the house, do the laundry and finish buying groceries. I'm also hoping to set up the Christmas tree before we leave and do a little baking.

I know that the next couple of days will be busy, trying to cram in all of my "to-do's," but I'm okay with that, because the reward will be 5 days of vacation and relaxation and laughs and memories with my extended family (all 20 of them)!

As I was gathering items together for our suitcases, I was shocked to realize just how many bottles of medicine I have to take with me.

I take 39 pills every day!

Even though this is a lot of pills, I am definitely not going to complain. I'd rather take all of these pills than be back on chemo. These pills are helping to keep me alive....they are combating side effects....they are helping me sleep....they are fighting the cancer....and they are giving me energy!

I have so much to be thankful for!

Jesus' voice

2011-11-18T07:18:00.000-08:00

Because of Josiah's learning disorder, we're becoming more aware of some subtle social issues that aren't exactly on target for his age. I'm not too concerned (and rebel at using the word "abnormal"), because he's such a happy and social little boy. Plus, don't we all have social strengths and weaknesses?! But I guess Josiah can be a little immature and also not really understand about appropriate times to speak or proper subject matter to discuss.

So we've been trying to address these issues little by little. I remind him to only raise his hand when he has a question about what his teacher is discussing. Any other topic can wait until another time. And I hope he's remembering to only be "silly" during gym or lunch time.

Since I'm not in the classroom, I have no idea if he remembers our talks. I can only do my best to teach him at home and remind him that school is different than home. He can be silly with me when we do homework, and he has my undivided attention. But his teacher has a lot of students to take care of.

My heart swelled with love and gratitude when Josiah shared something with me last night. He said that while the other kids were putting their papers away, they were being loud, but Josiah merely sat at his desk with his hands folded in his lap. Then he smiled and said, "Mommy, I heard satan tell me it would be okay to talk and be silly. But I decided to listen to Jesus tell me to sit quietly." Oh wow.

I am so proud of that kid. What a great and simple reminder to listen to the voice of Jesus!

This is totally off topic, but today is Colonial Day at school,
so I thought I'd share a photo of my little pilgrim.

thanksgiving twist

2011-11-16T09:07:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving only one week away, I'm finally starting to get excited about the festivities. The month of November seems to be a time to openly give thanks and share the many ways God has blessed us. While I enjoy hearing about what my friends are thankful for, I can't help but wonder if they'd still be thankful even if they didn't have any blessings? I've asked myself this question over the years: Would I still love and praise God if everything was taken away from me?

Of course I'm reminded of how Job still praised God even when God allowed satan to destroy all that he had. What makes a person that strong? How can I have that kind of unwavering devotion?

Perhaps a way to cultivate that kind of perspective and in turn, strengthen my faith is to intentionally find ways to be grateful even when the situation is less than ideal.

So instead of making my little list of the top ten things I'm thankful for, I decided to make note of things that aren't great — then try and find some positive twist on it. I may not always be able to say, "I'm thankful for this bad thing," but just maybe I'll be able to say, "I can appreciate this bad thing." So here goes.....

I can be thankful for my lack of energy — for it forces me to slow down and simplify.

When I can't sleep at night — I'm thankful that it gives me a chance to think about God and pray.

Let's see, medical bills (okay, this is a hard one) — I'm grateful I have insurance! : )

I hate cooking — yet I'm so thankful we have food to eat!

When I am in physical pain — I'm grateful to be alive and still breathing.

I'm thankful for the storm — for then I get to glimpse God's magnificent power.

Can I be thankful for fussy kids? — when I'm reminded that they are a blessing and a gift!

When my body is weak — I'm so thankful God's strength is sufficient.

I'm thankful when I must wait in long lines — for perhaps the time delay prevents me from a worse harm.

I am grateful when my kids misbehave — because it's an opportunity to train them.

As much as I don't want to, I'm "okay" with gaining weight — because my body needs fuel to fight the cancer drugs.

Whew! This was harder than I thought it would be! But what a great life tool: to train my mind to search for the possible good in every situation. At the very least — to remind myself that things could always be worse.

The trials in my life have taught me a HUGE lesson: I can DEFINITELY be thankful and count it a blessing to suffer, because it's during the low times that God reveals Himself on such a deep and personal way and He is also shaping my character to be more like Christ. When I can't seem to go on in my own strength, I find that God is all I really need. I can be thankful for the hard times, because God draws me closer to Him, strengthens my faith and teaches me so much!

This has been my "life verse" for the past 7 years (ever since my initial diagnosis of breast cancer):

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16 - 18

I want to make note that while I'm learning to recognize the good that can come out of a bad situation, I can't find it within myself to thank God for the sin in the world. I don't believe God finds pleasure in the suffering that occurs due to horrible tragedies like, rape, murders, etc. I can, however, rejoice in the fact that God is ultimately the victor. Sin will not win!

what if

2011-11-12T17:02:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. I just received a package in the mail from one of the producer of the movie "What If!"

On October 24th, I mentioned watching this movie at our hotel in Galena. It was a great movie to watch with my friend as we enjoyed relaxing after a long day of shopping. Who knew that my comment would trigger a response from one of the producers, Dallas Jenkins?! I'm completely floored! He sent me a personalized autographed copy of the DVD, along with a special note saying: Elizabeth, Thank you so much for your kind comments on your blog about What If. God bless you in your journey as you continue to inspire others! — Dallas Wow.

This may be as close to fame as I'll ever get and I'm just so giddy! Sometimes it's easy to forget that Hollywood people are just regular people, too. And even more amazing is to remember that the Body of Christ knows no difference in social and economic status. We are one, great big, huge family!

full tank

2011-11-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

My emotional and spiritual tank is FULL!

What a crazy busy week, yet a glorious week as well. In the midst of my many errands and appointments, I'm so glad I scheduled time to meet with several ladies this week. I had a wonderful women's bible study in the middle of the week, followed by a "getting to know you" breakfast with some new ladies, then concluded with an hour and a half phone conversation with a gal I've yet to meet in person. It's rather amazing. All of these conversations (with a total of 7 different ladies) managed to turn into encouragements. We talked about transforming our minds into the mind of Christ. We talked about praying over our family members and about trusting God wholly in all things. With thoughts of spiritual warfare and the Holy Spirit at the forefront of my mind, I am encouraged to pray more and to seek an even deeper relationship with God, Jesus AND the Holy Spirit.

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, JOY follows like a shadow that never leaves. — Anonymous

image

2011-11-09T10:04:00.000-08:00

HA! No sooner did I blab about my weight concerns for all the world to see, only to be put into my place! The very next devotional I read to my kids was on that very topic: viewing ourselves the way God views us — as drop-dead gorgeous! Isaiah 61:10 says, "He has clothed me with garments of salvation and draped about me the robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels."

The very first question I was prompted to ask the kids was, "What do you think God sees when He looks at you?" And then we talked about any physical features we don't care for. We asked God to show us how to make the most of our "beauty marks," and also how to not judge others, but to show God's love to all — no matter what their physical appearance may be.

God sees each of us as beautiful, one-of-a-kind miracles. He created us, so He should know, and why should I doubt it?!

Boy, how amazing that I got to hear those words right on the heel of struggling with my body image. My perspective is shifted. Of course I want to take care of myself and strive to eat better and exercise when possible, but it's not so that I can fit into my skinny jeans again. No. I must stop finding my self-worth in how I look. It's what's on the inside that counts!

a fresh outlook

2011-11-07T16:48:00.000-08:00

Unlike a few days ago, I woke up with a song in my heart. Despite the gloomy weather, I smiled and said, "I'm glad I have sunshine inside when there's none to brighten the outside."

a view through the raindrops

As we inch toward winter, more and more trees are leaf-less. So sad.

Today begins a very full week in the Grant household. I have something on the calendar every morning AND evening. I don't normally like to book a full calendar, but I'm not minding too much. Instead, I'm feeling pretty blessed to be able to cart the kids around, run errands and meet my appointments. Honestly, I don't take it for granted to be ABLE to do things. One year ago, I was recovering from a few days in the hospital after getting a blood transfusion. What a year it has been!

My first appointment of the week was my monthly doctor's appointment and zometa/lupon treatments. I am pleased to say that all seems stable right now. There was nothing to trigger concern for my doctor, but he made sure to remind me to keep an eye on my pain. I'll need to let him know if I have an issue that persists or gets worse. This is sometimes difficult for me, because I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and also, I sometimes don't know what are "normal" aches and pains of life and what might be cancer related. I'll need to pray for guidance and wisdom in this area. I'm hoping I'll just "know" when something is not quite right — especially before it's too late.

Anyway, I'll see my doctor again in 4 weeks at which time we'll talk about scheduling another test.

Oh, I feel SO wonderful to not have to go back on chemo right now!! Just think.....I should be able to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas this year!! The ONLY downfall of my progesterone therapy is that I'm still gaining so much weight — about 3-4 pounds a week! UGH! I had an eye-opener while I was getting my infusion today: I've gained almost 50 pounds in the last nine months — and I don't even have a baby to show for it! It may sound like a silly thing, but would you please pray about this with me? No matter what I eat, or not eat, or what I do, the medicine makes me gain weight. Nothing fits me (literally)! I'm too depressed about it to buy a new wardrobe, yet even my jackets and coats don't fit! I feel so selfish praying about this, because I am SOOO blessed in so many ways. After all of the many side effects I've endured over the past year and a half and after all of the pain I've experienced, weight gain is really nothing in comparison. Yet it leaves me feeling very moody and ugly. Hey, I'm only human.

I suppose there is a lesson in this, though (as always). I've always had issues with my weight and even worse, with comparing myself to others. God wants me to view myself through HIS eyes and not find my identity or self-worth through others or ideals of the world.

light bulb theory

2011-11-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

I have no idea if my theory is medically accurate, but I'm guessing there are many flaws. I can't help it, though. As much research as I do on cancer, I will never fully understand the medical jargon, nor the properties of how cancer behaves. It's very frustrating to not be able to understand what is going on inside my body. Words like: remission, no evidence of disease, cancer activity, and cancer growth are concepts that I don't fully understand. How can there be "no evidence of disease" yet cancer is still present? Is there a difference between remission and partial remission? Aarrrggghhhh!!

When my son asked me, earlier this summer, "Is your cancer gone now?" I had to quickly think on my feet about the best way to answer him. So my Light Bulb Theory was born:

LIGHT BULB THEORY

Imagine a cancer cell being a light bulb. It's tangible and can be seen and held.

My light bulb is plugged into a 3-way switch. The level of activity is based on how high the switch is turned on.

Before I began chemo, the light bulb was on its highest level. We knew the importance of beginning a rigorous treatment, for the cancer activity was very high and at risk for spreading.

Throughout chemo, the lightbulb got dimmer and dimmer. Finally, after 8 month, the light bulb was turned off. The tests showed "no evidence of disease." But this doesn't mean the cancer is gone. The light bulb is still there. The cancer activity is just so low that it's not showing up on the tests.

Yet the light bulb is just waiting to be turned back on at a moment's notice.

Four months after chemo, my test revealed that the light bulb was once again turned on. I'm guessing it was only turned onto a low light, because there wasn't the urgency to immediately radiate or go back on an aggressive chemo treatment. There's some time to experiment with a new treatment.

Like I said, this is most likely a very flawed and simplistic way of viewing cancer, yet it helps me to understand what I'm going through just a little bit.

I do know that as "stage 4" widespread cancer, there are too many cancer cells to completely smash away at all of the light bulbs. The best case scenario (aside from a miracle) is to keep the light bulbs on dim or turned off for as long as possible. When the light bulbs are on, they are active and able to spread.

Update: I spoke with my oncologist this evening (finally!), and received a little bit more detail about my latest PET scan. Evidently some areas showed a tad increase in activity, while other areas showed a tad decrease. Overall, they consider it the same. It appears the progesterone hasn't had enough time to conclusively let us know one way or the other if it is effective. We'll continue with my current treatment until more time has passed and I can be tested again. I'm to keep a close eye on any new developments with pain. He said that pain will let him know how to proceed more that the PET scan results. Thank you all for the many prayers! And Crystal, thank you for fasting your soda for me!!!

knowing is half the battle

2011-11-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up to very gloomy and rainy weather on this early November day. Normally this is my kind of weather and always brings a smile to my soul. Yet all day, I've felt a sense of foreboding. I haven't been motivated to do one single thing — aside from laying on the couch next to my phone.

I have been glued to my phone for the past 55 hours waiting (rather impatiently) to hear the results of my PET scan from my doctor. I know he is busy and has a life, but come on! This is MY life!! :-)

Finally, he calls me after hours (just a few minutes ago), but it was on my old phone, so I didn't get to speak with him personally. UGH! Here's what his voice mail said:

The PET scan showed no conclusive evidence one way or the other. No increased OR decreased cancer activity. He said he will try and call me tomorrow to talk about what this means.

Of course, I'm grateful the cancer activity isn't showing an increase, but can we know if the progesterone is working? Will I continue with the progesterone and be tested in another few weeks? Hopefully I'll find out tomorrow. At the latest, I have an appointment with him on Monday.

In the meantime, I shall do my best to put it all out of my mind and enjoy a long weekend with the family. No school tomorrow!

blessing received

2011-11-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

I just stepped into my car after my PET scan and decided to check my email before driving home. I received such a huge and wonderful blessing that I MUST share it immediately and praise God.

The very first email I checked was a message from the kids' school stating that someone has anonymously donated money to our family to help with our tuition payments. Wow! I can't stop smiling (between the tears in my eyes).

I wish I knew who to thank! They have no idea how much of a blessing this is to us. Among all of the other stresses and concerns that we face, this is a HUGE gift for us. Our tuition payments are now much more manageable.

I'm just smiling at God right now, too. During the month of October, our church has challenged us to manage our money as God would have us. It's been a very difficult month for us with several unexpected bills and extra payments to make. I knew that October would be hard, but we'd hopefully be able to bounce back in a month or two. Even so, I made a commitment to God to begin tithing more to the church and praying that He'd bless us and others in ways that I don't even know how to ask for.

I thought one of His answers would come in the form of a medical bill. When I received the bill a few weeks ago, I was pretty bummed, because we've met all our deductibles and out of pocket expenses, so our insurance should be paying 100%. After doing some calling around, I learned that our insurance company wasn't billed for this particular lab work. I was SO relieved and praising God that it looks like we won't have to pay this bill after all. Well, my joy was short-lived when I received the same bill just last week. Because my lab work was sent Out of Network, our insurance only paid 60%. I'm so grateful that our bill isn't as high, yet sad, too, that we still have to pay it.

Oh, well. That's life. Managing money, budgeting and re-budgeting is necessary. Even praying for help from God doesn't mean that our money problems will go away.

Still.....my mind travels to the times I prayed over our finances this past month. And look — here it is.....the first day of a brand new month, and we're being so humbly blessed! Oh, thank you, Lord, for this wonderful gift.

And I thank the anonymous giver for being prompted to help and serve us financially.

pain, progesterone & prayers

2011-10-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

I broke down and started taking pain killers over a week ago. The first few days on the pain patch gave me horrible side effects, but thankfully I'm beginning to adjust. However, I'm getting a tad nervous, because it seems the patch isn't completely covering up the pain.

I'm far enough away from my other treatments (zometa and lupron), that I can't blame this pain on them. As I assess the pain, I realize that this is more nerve pain than bone pain. Perhaps my muscles are tight and sending pain and nerve distress. I really hope this isn't indicative of cancer growth!

I'm scheduled to have another PET scan tomorrow at 10:30. As always, this is an important scan to determine if my current progesterone therapy is working or not. I will be calling my doctor to get the results right away, rather than just waiting until my next appointment for the results. I'm very anxious to find out if I can continue with progesterone or will be encouraged to go back on chemo.

Oh, I pray SO hard that the progesterone therapy is working.

the holy spirit

2011-10-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

Today's message at church is the beginning of a series about the Holy Spirit. I am SO excited! Ever since I read a book called, "The Helper" by Catherine Marshall, I have come to fall in love with the Holy Spirit. He is so much more than a mere figment of the Trinity. He is real and personal and caring and loving and really "gets me!" He knows how to teach me all sorts of wonderful things and opens my eyes to unimaginable truths. He is with me always and oh, the Power He has! How can I help but love Him?!

......even though the Holy Spirit also reveals sin in my life. Sometimes I stubbornly refuse to listen. But like any true friend, He doesn't give up, nor does He lie to me, but spurs me on to be better. I thank God so much, that in times like these, He continues to work on me and draw me close.

Sometimes, though, I recognize my distance. I know that I've allowed personal junk to crowd out the Holy Spirit and stunt Him from working freely and wholly in me. I once came up with an object lesson that I feel describes the Holy Spirit's presence in our lives. I don't know if this is scripturally accurate, but it was inspired and it makes sense to me:

Imagine a large, clear vase (representing our heart).
I fill it with black liquid (representing our sin nature).

When we ask Jesus into our lives, He washes our sins away. We are made clean! So I dump out the black liquid.

We are given the Holy Spirit! I fill the vase with a white towel. Yet I put my hand over this towel. This is to represent my own hold on my life. It's easy to still want to control things and not let the Holy Spirit have free reign. I'm squelching the Holy Spirit, so to speak.

As I grow in my Christian faith, I start to let go of certain areas of my life. I start to lift away a finger, and the "Holy Spirit towel" becomes visible and active. As I let go and lift away more and more fingers, the Holy Spirit begins to fill me up. My faith grows as God is proven trustworthy time and time again. It then becomes easier to let go of certain areas like finances, marriage, children, health, etc.

Once I've completely surrendered my hold on my life (take my hand out of the vase), the Holy Spirit is let loose to be fully active in my life! Oh, the bliss!

Now as we journey through life, the process is not always so easy. I will still sin at times (put a finger or two on the Holy Spirit towel once again). But now that I know what true, beautiful freedom and purity looks like, it's quite obvious when something is not quite right and I'm unsettled in my spirit. Ideally, I will repent and ask forgiveness and get those fingers back out of my heart as soon as possible. With my hand on my heart, covering the Holy Spirit, I'm competing for control of my life. This is the spiritual battle AND journey of a believer.

Salvation may be a one-time event, but living in the power of the Holy Spirit is a process of daily growing in Christ. I must constantly surrender my hold upon my life. Not easy, yet very doable with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Thank goodness we are given this wonderful gift of the Holy Spirit to help us!

smell of burnt flesh

2011-10-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

I've been chewing on a topic for a few days now, yet have been hesitant to send my thoughts out to the cyber world, for fear of being misunderstood.

My heart is just so saddened by stories of troubles. I'm constantly hearing about difficulties others are facing and I wonder how they are coping. Having one issue to deal with is enough, but it seems like many people are being bombarded with trial upon trial upon trial.

So then we scream and say, "It isn't fair!" and wonder why it seems like others get to breeze through life with relative ease while we suffer unimaginable turmoil.

In my own life, I feel like God is still showing me how to rise above my circumstances. I feel like I have a little bit of authority to speak about this, yet I want to make sure that I validate these very real trials others are facing. I may be learning how to find joy and fulfillment in the midst of a horrible situation, but believe me, I still very much carry the realities of anxiety, strife and despair deep within my emotional memories. In no way, do I want to diminish the pure agony of living through a nightmare.

There is not one easy pat answer to just make it all go away.

I believe each individual must go through a process that is extremely unique to their circumstance and personality. I've found that if I'm open and teachable, God will show me what I need to know to get out of the pit. And what He wants me to know may not mean anything to someone else, but it's exactly the "trigger" to help me through this process.

With all of that said......I'm so excited to share a bit of truth God has revealed to me lately.

First of all, I must say (or shout rather): I'M SO MESSED UP IN THE BRAIN! Can anyone relate? I literally talk myself crazy at times, just over-thinking and over-analyzing and basically listening to the wrong voices floating around in my head. I puff myself up by justifying everything. I blame others for this and that. I bring bitterness into my head by thinking about the past. It goes on and on. Finally, I'm so exhausted that I don't even want to go on anymore. Oh, no one understands me. No one really knows how I'm feeling or what I'm going through. The right answers don't apply in my case. Oh, poor me!

Well, here comes the "ah ha" moment.....

Satan's target is our mind. Emotions and thoughts are the door and window Satan uses to get to us.

Whoa. I had to ponder this for awhile. I had been making myself crazy about something in particular, without even realizing that I was giving Satan a foothold into my life. Once I recognized this, it became 100% easier to stop listening to myself and rationalizing things over and over in my head. By replacing the lies with God's Word instead, I can't even begin to tell you how freeing it has become. I'm not in turmoil anymore! For example, instead of pitying myself and justifying myself, I'm reminded that Jesus was perfect in every way, yet He was mocked, spit upon, demeaned and eventually murdered. Wow. It sure puts things into perspective. Who do I think I am, that I deserve any better? And when I begin to feel puffed up and proud, then I remember that Jesus was blameless, yet he washed the disciples feet. I, too, must humble myself and serve others, and I'm not even near to being blameless! By replacing my fleshy thoughts with God's Word, I come out alive! The situation may not have changed, but I have changed! And this makes all the difference!

So why is this journey and process so hard?!!?

With every step I take toward God and toward the Truth, God is actively stripping away at my flesh. This HURTS! Sometimes I can literally feel this spiritual struggle. Oh, it's SO difficult! My outer layer is first being burned, until flesh turns from brown to black. I can smell the stench, and at this point, I just want it off! Then my skin slowly wrinkles, dies and finally peels away turning into a pile of ashes. This is a very disgusting image, yet I can't think of a better way to describe the agony of dying to myself. Of purging my own feelings and desires. Of choosing to let go of my bitterness and willingly forgo justification. Of humbly forgiving others when they don't even ask. Of loving the unloveable and serving the tyrant. Of putting others first and sacrificing my life. These things go against our very nature! No wonder it's a gruesome process!

So why would anyone choose to go through this?!

The alternative is worse: living in a constant state of spiritual decay. I'd rather give up my flesh and have a new body in Christ, than live in the emotional turmoil separated from Perfection and Truth.

Ever heard of "beauty from ashes?" or the phrase "A Refiner's Fire?" So much of the "old me" must die away to make room for a new me in Christ. How can I expect Christ to reign in my body, heart, mind and soul, if I'm still putting myself first? It just makes sense. This process is difficult, but SO worth it! I wouldn't trade anything for having peace of mind and a calmness in my heart.

So, press on, my brothers and sisters who are in the midst of what seems like "hell on earth." Who knows how or when it will happen, but one day, I pray God's work will strip away layers to reveal a glowing representation of Christ through you.

galena wonderland

2011-10-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

I'm just now finding the time to catch up on my blogging after a fun-filled few days out of town. One of my girlfriends and I decided back in the summer that we needed to plan a trip in October. The next question was, "What should we do?" After brainstorming many ideas, we stepped back to realize that it doesn't take much for us to enjoy ourselves. As long as we're in a hotel out of town, we're happy!!

So we combined our favorite activities of reading, relaxing, eating and shopping — by spending four days in the quaint historic town of Galena, IL. Our main purpose (aside from the obvious fun of taking a road trip) was to see how many Christmas gifts we can knock out in one big swoop. Oh, the FUN!

One view of the historic town of Galena. It just took my breath away.

I snapped a quick photo of this horse and carriage while I rested on a bench.

My all-time favorite food!

I always enjoy the holidays, but I don't enjoy frantically searching for the perfect gifts late in the season when I have many other activities I want to enjoy instead. I can't tell you how relieved I feel to have such a head start on my gift-giving. We found so many great deals at several thrift stores in Dubuque, IA (where our hotel was), and I still can't get over how many unique shops we visited in Galena. Three days of shopping was almost not enough!

Not only was the shopping trip successful, but we managed to balance it with plenty of rest and relaxation. I have to once again give some major credit to my scooter. I wasn't sure that I wanted to mess with it (it IS a bit of a hassle), but I'm SO glad I used it. There is no way that my back would have lasted throughout the hours of walking around. I would have been so grumpy.

Saturday afternoon, we cut our shopping early and went back to the hotel. That evening we watched a Christian-based movie called "What If." It's sort of like a hallmark movie meets "It's a Wonderful Life." But the spiritual truths and quotes were so powerful and right on. It lead to a great discussion that evening and into the next day. I just LOVE it when a fun trip turns into a God-glorifying praise fest. The four-hour drive home was an opportunity to spur each other on to be better wives and mothers.

I returned last night to a smiling family and a clean house. Can life get any better?! Sometimes when I return from a trip, there's a sort of "let down." But not this time. I'm filled with such energy and can't stop counting my blessings.

Being home with my family was blessing enough, yet they surprised
me with these gorgeous flowers. I can't stop smiling and soaking in
the vibrant colors. I feel so loved.

Oh, P.S. I have to post a picture of these lovely bugs that took over our hotel room. It completely freaked me out. Thankfully Crystal was willing to kill them for me, without complaining about it. I could only squirm and squeal. Yes, I'm a wimp. But I'm telling you, we must have seen at least 10 of these creatures every day: around the window, the ceiling, the floor, the bathroom and even in our beds! Totally gross! I always zipped up my luggage and my purse and checked my pockets and shoes. Eh. I'm even shivering now, just remembering it! BUT.....even though the bugs were nasty, I wouldn't trade that hotel for anything. Why? Because the breakfast buffet was to die for! Mm. Simply the best eggs and potatoes I've ever eaten in my entire life! : )

auditory processing disorder

2011-10-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes difficulties tend to sneak in without warning, and other times a flood of problems gets dumped over our heads, making it almost impossibly to catch a breath.

Regardless of the beginning, these problems can build and cause all sorts of stresses in our day to day living.

When a new problem arises, it's like I forget I even have cancer. Suddenly we have to deal with something that is more important in the immediate future.

Two months ago, a new challenge came knocking at our door. I'm just now feeling comfortable writing about it, yet I'm still processing it all.

Josiah has been officially diagnosed with Auditory Processing Disorder as well as having visual memory and visual tracking issues.

We noticed that in first grade he seemed to struggle a lot with reading and spelling, but I wasn't overly concerned, as he's a boy and has more interest in playing than academics. At this new school, however, things weren't getting any better. So after doing a little research, we started to wonder if we weren't dealing with something a little bigger than a 7-year old's lack of motivation to read.

To make a very long story short, we had him tested by an audiologist and just received the diagnosis of Auditory Processing Disorder. It's been an emotional couple of months for me. I wish with all of my heart that I could somehow grant my children a life free of troubles. I don't want to see them suffer or struggle, and it breaks my heart to know that Josiah is having difficulties.

When I first began to research APD, my heart started beating faster as I recognized many of the signs in Josiah. Oh, no! I had hoped that Josiah would eventually read and become a good student all in good time. But it seems that he learns in different ways and needs to be taught accordingly.

I could hardly process this information myself. I wanted to cry and withdraw. I think I was in shock. Oh, Lord! I'm trying so hard to give these kids as much of a normal childhood as possible! How can I deal with this?! Why does my precious baby have to deal with a learning disorder on top of everything else??! Isn't it too much for him to handle? How about me, Lord?! Can't I get a break?! Yes. I was angry, but mostly sad.

After giving myself about two days to let it all sink in, I decided to take action. One small way I can help, is to draw pictures of Josiah's spelling words. I work with him each night and we talk about each word, each sound and make note of anything "tricky" about the word. I am pleased to say that his spelling tests have gradually increased from an "F" to several "As!"

Spelling and reading are the two main areas of difficulty, but APD also affects his ability to follow and process multi-step directions. He has a difficult time repeating back a simple sentence or remembering a sequence of events.

These aren't life or death issues, but will make life a little bit harder for him — especially at school.

Even now, as I write this, I have a huge lump in my throat. Josiah is so precious and sweet. Just as cancer has made me look at life differently, this diagnosis for Josiah has made me look at my children through fresh eyes.

As sad as all of this is.....I am SO happy! I can't tell you how much I treasure the 30+ minutes of time I spend each evening with Josiah, working on his spelling, listening to him read to me and going over his bible verse and math facts. I just LOVE finding creative ways to teach him and I'm thrilled when he "gets it." He really does want to please and is such a sweet boy.

Knowing a little bit about what's going on in his brain also helps me to have more patience with him. What a blessing! I no longer get frustrated when he seems to be too preoccupied to listen and obey. I'm not short with him anymore, nor do I scold him for not listening. Instead, I make sure he looks at me as I talk with calm, clear words and only give him one task or important piece of information at a time. As a result, our home life seems much more calm to me, but perhaps it's my own spirit that is more calm.

Not only am I bonding with Josiah, but my relationship with Marielle is tightening, too. I've started to consider it a privilege and blessing to help her with her homework as well, instead of just letting her fend for herself. And she knows what's going on with Josiah, so we're in cahoots to encourage him and build his confidence while learning.

I'm learning that making memories with my children isn't just about planning a memorable event to attend. Nor is it only about making a conscious effort to do fun things together like play more games and have more tickle fights. Making memories absolutely includes studying together. When my children look back on their childhood, they will only sometimes remember going to Disney World or that time they went to the circus. But they will mostly remember what the pulse of life was like in their home — the day to day feelings of security and love....the countless hours of studying at the dining room table....the long hard talks that accompany growing pains.....the tears that follow discipline.....the normal routines of the day to day that make up the year to year.

Once again I find myself praising God in the midst of the trials of life.

pain evaluation time

2011-10-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days, I've noticed increased pain in several areas of my body. I've been attributing it to possible side effects of zometa (from my injection on the 10th), but the pain has seemed to gradually be getting worse. The inside of my right hip gets locked sometimes and painful when moving from one position to the next. And sometimes I'm in pain around the left side of my neck when I move my head. There is some other, less intense pain that comes and goes throughout sporadic sections of my back and shoulders.

At this point, I'm not willing to say that the progesterone therapy must not be working. It's too early to tell. Perhaps what I'm feeling is merely the effects of having four months of ineffective hormone therapy — four months of having the cancer grow again.

I have another PET scan scheduled for two weeks from today. I think I can hold off until then, and in the meantime I'll consider taking some painkillers once again. The problem with pain killers, though (aside from the side effects) is that I won't be able to accurately assess my pain and notice any new developments.

grandparent's day

2011-10-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, we've had such a great and fabulous weekend. Dale's parents were able to make the trip up here for a long-weekend visit and help Josiah celebrate Grandparent's Day at school.

It amazes me how the same 24-hour period can sometimes seem like nothing at all in the normal routine of life, yet when on vacation or doing something special, time seems to stand still. We've just enjoyed countless hours of chatting, playing games, watching a movie, eating and just "being." Oh, I still had to do laundry and make sure the kids stayed on top of their homework, but those things certainly haven't dominated the weekend. I've said it before....having family visit, is just like being on vacation!

Thank you, Lord for family. Thank you for these precious conversations and the many laughs. *smile* I can go to bed fully at peace.

october 10

2011-10-11T08:08:00.000-07:00

Well, what a day! Not only did I have a 3-hour doctor appointment, I had an 8-year old birthday to celebrate. I'm bushed.

My appointment with my oncologist went really well. All of my blood counts and platelets look great. He even gave me an antibiotic for my sinus infection as well as a mild water pill to help with the bloating. I also started receiving a lupron shot to suppress my ovaries since I'm no longer on forced menopause with hormone therapy or chemotherapy. Along with my zometa injection, I'm feeling pretty drugged up right now. I also usually have flu-like symptoms for a few days after my zometa, so we'll see.

I have another PET scan scheduled for November 1st to find out if the progesterone therapy is working. Please pray with me that it IS working. Anything we can do to buy more time is extremely beneficial. Besides, I'm really not anxious to go back on chemo.

On a happier topic.....my baby turned 8 today.

Oh, I just feel so blessed to be able to share in these milestones with my children. I do not take each year for granted.

Josiah told me how sad he was to grow up and he didn't want to be 8. I was shocked, because we always try to make birthdays special, and really "play up" turning a new age. After spending some time with him, I learned that he wants things to stay the same and gets scared when things change. Oh, my poor baby. What kinds of insecurities is he facing?

He told me how "7" was the best year, because 7 is a biblical number and he got to go to Disneyworld! He looked at me so serious, with tears pooled in his eyes and said, "Mommy, I'll never get to be 7 again."

Of course my perspective on life is a little different than it used to be. We talked about how wonderful life is and how it's such a blessing to grow up. God has great plans in store for Josiah! Every new year brings new opportunities. I am just so proud of my sensitive, sweet Josiah.

By the way, I reminded him that when he was 7, I was sick most of the time. He got a bright look on his face and was glad that I'm feeling better. Lord willing, his 8th year will be filled with many wonderful memories.

all business

2011-10-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

Dale has been away all weekend — on a camping trip with some guys from church. I'm so glad he was able to get away, and I hope he's having a great and relaxing time.

Here on the home front, I'm still battling a head cold/sinus infection. I managed to make it to church with the kids, but the pressure in my head, mixed with my scratchy throat, made for a less than enjoyable experience. I came home and took a two-hour nap! I still feel wiped out and a little moody because I can tell from the couch that it's a gorgeous fall day outside — yet I have no desire to get up and enjoy it.

I have my monthly doctor appointment tomorrow along with blood work and my zometa treatment. Perhaps I'll receive some antibiotics or something to help with my allergies. I also plan to talk with my doctor about the side effects of progesterone therapy. I gained another 6 pounds in just the past week. I am NOT a happy camper.

We should find out in a few weeks if the progesterone is working, when I receive another PET scan. I'm really hoping and praying that it's working and the cancer isn't growing and spreading anymore. I'm just not ready to go back on chemo quite yet.

Well, that's about all I can think of. It's a rather "business" blog update today. I'll know a little more after my appointment tomorrow.

awareness

2011-10-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm.....what's going on.

It's been a strange week. I felt really sick over the weekend and it took a few days to get my energy back. I just felt so wiped out. I'm thinking I caught a bug or ate something bad (— I'm hoping that's all it was). At the same time, allergies are affecting me and taking a long time to get under control. So this week has been a week of recovery.

In the midst of my fatigue, headaches, sore throat and queasiness, I met a couple of great ladies from church. We had been trying to get together and finally made a point to meet at Panera. It was so wonderful! There are times when I stress about going out and being social, but I must say that I felt totally at ease this time. There's something so beautiful about souls that connect almost immediately. My guard was down, we shared, we laughed and I felt we could have talked well into the next day! I definitely don't take this kind of meeting for granted and I want more of it!

I just love how the simple and mundane things of the day are still very much filled with God's loving presence.

God is every moment totally aware of each one of us. Totally aware in intense concentration and love.... No one passes through any area of life, happy or tragic, without the attention of God with him. — Eugenia Price

it's october!

2011-10-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

Happy 1st Day of October! If I could choose my own holiday, I would dub the 1st of every month a holiday. After all, what makes January 1st so special anyway? A new month.....a new day.....a new beginning.....

Cheesy. I know.

But I can't help it. I just love "today." I love the month of October because I feel like it's officially autumn — my favorite season. I no longer have to feel guilty for my stash of halloween candy, and I can enjoy the autumn breeze and the colors of fall (both in my house and outside). But if that doesn't get you all excited, there's more:

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Over the past seven years I've gone from being a breast cancer victim, a patient, a survivor, and now a warrior. I've gone from nursing my son to losing my breasts. I've endured great personal pain and also watched my mom suffer from a breast cancer diagnosis. I know way too many medical terms and if I had a dollar for every drug and painkiller I've used, I wouldn't need insurance! I've been blessed to meet so many wonderful ladies and help other cancer patients along on their journey. I've learned how to survive with breast cancer and thrive in spite of it.

No one would choose to be a part of this "Pink Club" — the dues are brutal. But there is a common thread of strength that unites those who have been touched by breast cancer. I am proud to be fighting this fight with so many truly beautiful and inspiring women.

I may not be dying my hair pink in honor of breast cancer awareness, but I'll share a photo of myself with my daughter. When I look at this photo, I'm reminded of how much I love her and pray that all the little girls out there will not die from breast cancer because a cure will be found!

Life Laundry List

2011-09-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a book with an underlying plot of cancer. The main character's mother had been living with metastatic breast cancer for about 4 years, only to succumb in her early forties. The daughter's point of view was quite eye opening.

Rarely do I let myself seriously dwell on what my life will be like toward the end, nor on what life may look like for my family when I'm gone. There's a sort of security in not knowing the future, and I rather like living in blissful oblivion. While it's true that I try to live life as though I won't be around forever, the key phrase is: live life. I'm too busy making memories as well as going through the motions of daily tasks and responsibilities. Life goes on. And since the future is unknown, it's easy to live in a state of "now" and not "deal."

Until a book like this comes along and forces me to at least contemplate some harsh realities.

A few minutes ago I made a list, not unlike a Bucket List, but I'll call it a Life Laundry List. Doing laundry seems to be a never-ending thankless chore, yet failing to do laundry would have very negative results in our house. I may dread this chore, but I always feel a tad lighter when the very last load is folded neatly and put away. My Life Laundry List is a list of tasks to complete to get my "affairs in order." A dirty job, but ignoring it won't help matters.

I had already thought about needing to make some sort of spreadsheet for Dale of the budget, bills, due dates, amounts, online passwords, etc. As overwhelming as this compilation is going to be, it's the least I can do to keep Dale from being completely lost.

Aside from organizing our files, I hope to put together some keepsake boxes for the kids. What kinds of tangible items could the kids have to remember me by? I'm also working on journals for Dale, Marielle and Josiah. Rather than trying to sum up everything all at once, it's easier for me to write down thoughts, advice, etc. whenever I feel like it or when I get inspired. Thankfully I started a journal for each child to record my pregnancy, birth experience and milestones of their first year. These journals have set empty for a few years, but there's no better time than the present to continue recording my thoughts.

Another thing on my Life Laundry List is to go through my clothes and belongings. This won't be done until closer to the end, but I hope to have time to air out this laundry. I'm sure things will seem overwhelming with all the details of a funeral and a million other things when I'm gone, so I hope to save some headache in this area, by donating and getting rid of some of my belongings. When I think about how much "stuff" I have, I just feel so weighted down. By starting to simplify, hopefully I can help reduce the stress and grief this may cause.

I once heard this analogy (from a dying man in his 40's) and committed it to memory:

Somebody's going to push my family off a cliff pretty soon, and I won't be there to catch them. And that breaks my heart. But I have some time to sew some nets to cushion the fall. And that seems like the best and highest use of my time. So I can curl up in a ball and cry....or I can get to work on the nets. — Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture).

It's overwhelming to try to think of everything I want to say to my family. How do you summarize a lifetime of advice? How can I ever anticipate what the future may hold for my children? It's crazy. I simply have to leave it all in God's hands. I spend lots of time praying that God will protect them from many unforeseen problems. But I also pray that when difficulties arise (and I'm not around to advise, help or encourage), they will turn to God and not lose sight of how much God loves them.

odds & ends

2011-09-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today is a great example of the highs and lows of life.

HIGHS:
I accomplished everything on my "to do" list!
I joined an awesome women's group at church (filled with many wonderful ladies I can't wait to get to know better).
I viewed and received over 500 professional photos from our family photoshoot (thank you Kira Kwon)!
I started reading a family prayer book with the kids and it's leading to some great discussions.

LOWS:
Dale is thousands of miles away (again) for work and is struggling with sleep issues and stressful projects.
My medication is doing weird things with my body (headaches, bowel issues and stomach cramps).

Through it all, I've held onto a thought from the Bible all day today (found in 2 Corinthians 10:5). It's about taking every thought captive. When I'm tempted to grumble or complain or spew negative thoughts and feelings, the Holy Spirit reminds me to "take every thought captive." God wants me to replace my negative thoughts with thoughts that are holy and pure and righteous and loving and kind.....etc. (Philippians 4:8).

the greatest show on earth

2011-09-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

I was not disappointed! I felt like a kids again as I sat open-mouthed in awe at the contortionists and then squealed wildly as the elephants took the stage. I was transported to a different time — a world of bright costumes, confetti, enchanting music, exotic animals and unbelievable talent.

I was pleased to capture a small clip of the elephant show. I'm not sure why I've always loved elephants. I believe it started as a child who likes to be different. When asked what my favorite animal is, I refused to like horses, puppies and kittens. What is a unique animal that most kids wouldn't choose? Ahhh....the large, wrinkly, dry elephant! I was hooked. The fact that my name begins with the letters "El" only added to my affection. So I began to collect stuffed elephants, posters and trinkets. I still have my collection in a storage box somewhere in the basement. I'll never forget the time I had the opportunity to ride an elephant. I don't remember the circumstance, only the wonderment of climbing that ladder and reaching over to touch the loose, wrinkly skin. I was shocked at how hairy it was. My only memory of the short ride was how far I went backwards with each step the elephant took, before moving forward. With an animal of that magnitude I hadn't realized the effort it would take to move forward.

Now, as an adult, I have a sentimental view of my favorite childhood animal. At the circus I was struck again at the enormity of this creature. Grown men appear so small next to the girth. I rather like the feeling I receive at viewing things greater than myself. It puts into perspective just how small I am. Otherwise it's way too easy to give myself too much credit and view myself larger than I really am. After all, I have to live with myself, so of course, it's easy to see myself as the center of my little world. But to stand next to something so large reminds me of just how big this world is and how huge God is.

as a child

2011-09-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

I can't stand it anymore! Dale and I are taking the kids to see the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus tomorrow!! We haven't told the kids yet, and I'm bursting at the seams. I can't wait to see my favorite animal of all times: ELEPHANTS! I can't wait for the glamour, the lights, the sounds, the acrobats, the clowns.....ahhhh.......

While I always love looking at things through the eyes of my children, quite frankly.....I'm just so excited and looking forward to this for ME!

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much Jesus loves the little children. Oh, sure, children are cute and all, but I believe it's so much more than that. Children have a purity about them. The faith of a child is unsurpassed. There's no room for doubt or over-analyzing.

In my effort to enjoy life to the fullest I'm mindful of the similarities in being "childlike." To be carefree and enjoy the simple innocence of childhood is a worthy goal. But how can one simply go back in time? Don't get me wrong: I would never want to go back to being the awkward, gangly, four-eyed nerd with a mouth full of braces, a face full of acne and a low self-esteem. Instead, I'm thinking about the inner essence of a child.

It's one thing to lose all semblance of time, while giggling over nothing and dreaming of everything.....and quite another to exist in unhindered, unencumbered blind faith. To KNOW that God is trustworthy and never even think to doubt this. To have a child-like faith and a child-like dependence on God. To stand in awe and wonder like a child. Simply beautiful.

Oh.....I want to be a child again! Jesus said, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3)

So, be GONE you worries and stresses of life! Guilt and jealousy, you are no longer welcome. God is my Father and I am His child. I can picture myself cackling from my gut, as He lifts me up to swing me around in His capable hands. He tells me, "I will always protect you, so you needn't worry or fear. Just as I have fed the birds and provided water for the flowers, I will take care of you, my child — who is more precious to me by far."

Have a great weekend, folks. I hope you can rediscover your inner child and more importantly, live in a state of utter dependence on our Father.

teaching about baptism

2011-09-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update:

I'm feeling really well and LOVING this cooler autumn weather.

I must say that since I now know that my cancer has been growing all summer (even though I've been feeling great), I am making a more conscious effort to be aware of how my body is doing. I'm noticing sporadic discomforts, but still....it's nothing I would complain about. My new meds are making me VERY thirsty all the time, and I am gaining almost a pound a day! Yikes!

Even so, I wouldn't trade these days of energy for anything! I love being able to exercise, run errands, do housework and still have energy left over to be a mom and wife in the evenings. We have all sorts of evening activities like violin lesson, swim lessons and awana, yet the evenings don't seem all that crowded or stressful. I can only praise God for this! I'm finding great enjoyment in planning our evenings so that once homework is done we have time to read together before bed. I don't want to give up this simple routine.

While reading our latest book, I've been itching to replace our novel with scriptures instead. The kids have been talking a lot about wanting to be baptized, but I want to make sure that they understand what baptism is all about. So now that our book is finally completed, it's been the perfect opportunity to have some great late night discussions led by what the bible says about baptism.

It's been challenging to teach this important step in such a way that my children will understand. I've felt in my gut that it's not enough to merely quote the important scripture verses and try and explain them on their level. Simply asking Jesus into your heart is only the beginning. My kids understand the concept of being washed clean and having their sins forgiven. Then they'll ask, "Mommy, what happens if I sin after I've already been baptized?" I assure them that they WILL sin at times, so it's important to get "clean" again as soon as possible. The way to stay clean is to ask for forgiveness, make things right and try not to sin again. Once we have the Holy Spirit living inside of us, He teaches us and helps us not to sin anymore.

These are big concepts for little ones. I feel that it's important for my children to realize that just because they are being baptized, the journey isn't over — it's only beginning. But what a wonderful path to be on! Sure.....difficult, but SO worth it.

I was pleased to come across a teaching "visual" to help my kids understand. I told them about something called a "White Room." This special room is used to manufacture tiny electronic parts (chips in computers, cell phones, ipods, etc.). I showed them what these little chips look like. Now making these tiny structures requires precision and the biggest obstacle to success is an enemy called DUST! The tiniest flake of microscopic dust (in the wrong place at the wrong time during the manufacturing process) wreaks havoc on the electronic chip. Hence the need for a White Room.

To enter the cleanest of the clean white rooms, you must pass through a special transition room. In the transition room, you must put on special garments to cover practically every square inch of your body. We talked about covering our head and hair, wearing gloves and special slippers. There's even a sticky floor to walk across to pull off any stray dust particles on your feet! Wow. It's a big deal.

Every attempt is made to make you as clean as possible.

Because you are entering a place where there can be no impurities.

Entering a white room is like approaching God.

None of us has perfect moral character, and with the dust of sin clinging to our lives, we hold a seemingly hopeless spiritual reality. (Romans 3:23 and Romans 6:23).

We got to talk a bit about different sins (not just murder and lying and cheating, but also anger and bad thoughts and being mean and not obeying). — GREAT teachable moments!!

But it's not over! There's great news. We are not doomed. A way exits for us to make a transition — from our lives of dusty moral failings. A transition to a spiritual existence of moral cleanliness. Romans 3:22 says, "This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe."

It was at this point that we talked — really talked — about what Jesus' death on the cross means for us. Only because of Jesus' death, are we made clean and allowed to enter that great White Room of God's presence!! Jesus took away our penalty of sin.

I was so excited to come across this analogy. It touches on something that lays near and dear to my heart: the importance of constantly needing to check our hearts with the truth of God's word. Am I still clean before God? Can I enter His presence with a pure heart? I know that I will never be "perfect" per say, but that is different than having a clean heart. One of my favorite verses is: Create in me a clean heart, o God; and renew a steadfast spirit within me — Psalm 51:10. Life is full of ups and downs....mistakes and trials. I may mess up, ROYALLY, yet God has provided a way for me to enter into His eternal kingdom!

Being baptized may be a one time thing. But being a Christian is a daily walk.

dead man skipping

2011-09-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately what it means to live — really live — in this journey called life. As morbid as it sounds, we are all one day....one breath closer to our death. Having late stage, widespread cancer has been a wake-up call for me. I know that other people have similar thoughts when they attend a funeral, or learn of a close family member or friend passing away perhaps prematurely. When a tragedy occurs, it's natural to think about death and even take a closer look at our own lives.

I'm no one special. Sure, I have cancer, but so do MANY other people in the world. And those who don't have cancer, have their own kinds of struggles. By no means am I the only one who suffers. But my particular journey has forced me to search my heart and my life on a very deep level.

I wrote a poem this morning that I hope explains why I chose the name: Dead Man Skipping. The title is all about our life's journey. I don't want to merely trudge through the daily motions of life — I want to SKIP! But the only way to truly live a free life is to surrender my hold upon myself. In essence, I have to "die" to my flesh. By giving God control, He takes the bad, the ugly, the fears, the worries, etc. and replaces it all with amazing heavenly qualities. It IS possible to enjoy living with cancer — because GOD is so much more. He's everything!!

As I surrender myself to God, my life is a road that He travels.
Psalm 84:5-7 (MSG)

DEAD MAN SKIPPING

by Elizabeth Grant

I'm dying from cancer that much is true.

My days are all numbered, my moments are few.

But worse is the death that goes on inside

when I hold life too tight or think I can hide.

When I struggle to give God all of my life,

the turmoil inside causes nothing but strife.

I decide I can't travel this journey alone.

I can't find the strength to go on my own.

My mind needs the Truth, my life needs a Guide,

my heart needs a Friend to stay by my side.

I know that God wants me to trust Him anew;

To give him my burdens and see what He'll do.

But it's hard to let go when the struggles are real;

and I find that I can't handle all that I feel.

Still I'm willing to give God all of my life;

For He can make beauty from all of this strife.

If freedom is found in releasing control,

I'll gladly surrender it all for my soul.

Once God has my fears, my worries and pain,

He fills me with love; new life's mine to gain.

The journey's no longer all about me.

Instead all my moments are God's, don't you see?

He shows me that He is more than enough.

He's bigger than life and better than stuff.

When I look upon God and seek only His face,

The trials of life are put in their place.

No longer does fear have a place in my heart.

God fills me with peace and joy from the start.

God changes my view and gives me new eyes

to see the whole world apart from the lies.

There's no need to journey through life cold and grey;

When God's light shines brighter than bright every day.

I feel like a child whose life's just begun;
why crawl when a skip is so much more fun?

I love and I breathe and I skip and I smile;

and I let God use me on earth for awhile.

And when my days and moments are tough,

I simply remember that God is enough.

He holds me and loves me and cares when I cry;

I'm safe in His arms 'til the day that I die.

Letting God hold me and carry me through

this journey of life is the best thing to do.

As long as I'm breathing there's life left to live;

a journey of joy; a story to give.

I am living with cancer, not willing to die;

'Til God calls me home, in that sweet by and by.

time to move forward

2011-09-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep last night, so I did some more research on my new treatment. I finally feel like I can take ownership after "getting to know" all about progesterone therapy. I must say that I feel 110% better. I'm so excited by the research and what the studies are showing.

Not only that, I feel so much at peace about the unknown future. My morning time with God led me to Ephesians 6:12 — Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. The words "flesh and blood" jumped out at me because I've been depressed about my flesh (side effects) and worried about my blood (cancer). But God's truth reminds me that the issues are not about treatments or cancer at all. No....the deeper issue is that satan is using my fleshly concerns to take my eyes off of God's truth. It's the spiritual forces of evil that were making me depressed and fearful. Once I realized this, I could see the truth for what it was. Oh, how weak I am!

So now I can move forward. I aim to fight this spiritual battle as I fight like mad to beat cancer. The difference in my attitude is that I know I'm not alone. With the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17), I am ready. Bring it on!

I'm excited to make some small and do-able changes in my diet.
Boy, it's hard to find low and no sodium foods, but I shall do my best.
The flowers were a splurge to make me feel better! :-)

I'm so glad to not have to go through chemo again right away
— just as my hair is beginning to come back in. I'm starting to feel a little
more comfortable going out and about without wearing a hat, scarf or wig!

reality sinks in

2011-09-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, now that the PET scan results have started to sink in a little more, I'm going through various stages of denial and acceptance.

It's hitting me how much I had really hoped that the hormone therapy would have worked. Back in May, I was so hopeful that I could be on Faslodex for years, even. I didn't anticipate that it wouldn't be effective. Now we're almost back to square one, to search for more treatments that may or may not work.

I received my progesterone pills yesterday, but have yet to take any. I'm in denial. I don't "feel" like the cancer has spread. In fact, I feel great and energized. I'm fearful that a new treatment is going to give me a host of side effects that I don't want to deal with. Don't worry, I'll start taking them in the morning, but I just needed this time to prepare myself before I jump right in.

Today has been sort of a "pause" — a day between the end of Faslodex and the beginning of Progesterone — a great day to reflect and prepare for this next season.

It started off with a massage at the Cancer Center for Healthy Living! — Always a great blessing!! I tried really hard to put all thoughts of cancer from my mind while receiving the massage. Laurie helped me relax by putting together a cd of calming Christian music while she worked out the kinks in my back and neck. She even told me later that she was praying for me the whole time she gave me the massage. What a blessing she is and....oh, so timely!

After my massage, my mind was occupied with getting everything ready for this evening. Dale, the kids and I were doubly and triply blessed with having our family photos done. A wonderful gal from church volunteered her time and talent to gift us with an exquisite photo shoot. I am completely floored by how awesome she is — and I haven't even seen the photos yet! She took such great care of us and got TONS of shots from all around Peoria. I know she'll make us look great. I have to shamelessly promote her — she's AWESOME! Check out her website: www.kirakwon.com.

I get a little teary as I relive our photo shoot. I got to snuggle with my kids, gaze into Dale's eyes, hold hands with each of my loves, laugh and play. I just can't wait to see these precious memories captured for all of time.

It's a little bittersweet....knowing that things can change so quickly from one season to another. I suppose I'm closing the book on a fabulous summer, and only God knows what the next season will hold. Will I suffer or thrive? Oh....that we could all have the assurance of good health and lots of time. Yet I know in my heart that these temporal things can't compare to the assurance I have of a LONG future, safe and whole and healthy in the arms of Jesus.

things could always be worse

2011-09-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

One of my coping mechanisms when dealing with hard times is to tell myself that things could always be worse. This helps me to count my blessings and not become consumed with a situation that isn't ideal.

I find myself in one of those situations right now.

The results of my PET scan aren't good. It seems that the hormone treatments I've been receiving since May have proven ineffective: the cancer is growing again. Although the cancer activity has increased throughout my bones, we can draw comfort from knowing that the cancer still remains in the bones only, and hasn't spread to any soft tissue organ.

What does this mean?

It means that now we try a different form of treatment. Going back on chemo is certainly an option, but first we're going to try a couple of months of progesterone pills. I'll have another PET scan in 8 weeks, unless I start to notice something or begin to have extreme pain — in which I'll be tested sooner.

I'm glad to not have to go back on chemo right away. Hey....I'll take as many days of energy as I can! But I'm a little bit down right now as I read up on all of the side effects of progesterone therapy. I am NOT looking forward to bloating, weight gain, acne, migraines, insomnia and excessive hair growth. I know that I man not have all of these side effects, but chances are I will gain a lot of weight. I know that it's a small price to pay to keep the cancer at bay, but it's making me sad none-the-less.

After my appointment, I went to the grocery store to stock up on some fruit and low-sodium food. While driving along, I heard a song on the radio that really spoke to me. I was reminded that I can (and DO) praise God, even when it "rains." I'm just so happy to be alive and am blessed that there are so many different kinds of treatments to experiment with, when we find one that doesn't work.

Here are the lyrics, with my favorite phrases in bold:

Jesus, Bring the Rain
by Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

awaiting

2011-09-08T06:59:00.000-07:00

My stomach is grumbling as I try and wait patiently for my upcoming PET scan. Oh, how I wish my scan was earlier in the day, so I can eat! But I'm excited at least to finally have this scan done — actually, I'm excited to get the results. I'm very hopeful that the scan will show no increased cancer activity. As it stands, I just have no idea. One the one hand, it seems like I've never been healthier, but on the other hand, I still have pain and some issues.

I can definitely tell that my body is healing during this time of purging the chemo from my system. Yet I still have periods of bone pain — particularly in my left shoulder, upper neck, back and left hip. This is probably normal and not cause to be alarmed. This doesn't necessarily mean the cancer is spreading again. I realize that I will always have cancer in my bones and even though the activity has stopped, the bones are already damaged from previous activity.

In any case, this is a very important PET scan. The results will determine if I have to go back on chemo (once it's compared with the scan I had in May). I see my oncologist on Monday, so I'm assuming he will wait until then to share the results.

So right now all I can do is bide my time and try not to be anxious. I feel like my life is holding its breath....waiting to hear its fate. In the meantime, life must go on.

Thank you, Lord, for watching over me. Thank you, for giving me the gift of a great summer. I can't thank you enough for carrying me through the hard times and for giving me peace about the future. Please work a miracle inside this shell of mine. I know that you are more than capable and are pleased when we approach you in faith. Ultimately I desire your will, so as much as I want this PET scan to affirm there is no increased cancer activity, I trust you. I know that you have great things in store. So whether I stand, lay, sit, crawl or run, I will follow you and love you no matter what.

Happy Labor Day!

2011-09-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

Stepping outside this evening, my senses are overwhelmed with change in the air. All around me is the unmistakable scent of grilled food — brought to me through the brisk wind, the distant sounds of children laughing, and the sights of leaves beginning to fall.

I can't remember a day so glorious, and so simple. We didn't have any big plans scheduled for the holiday weekend, yet it was absolutely perfect. The air seems more crisp, the colors more bright and the crickets actually sound lovely to my ears as I reflect on our day from the comfort of the porch. I thank the Lord for giving me eyes to see the beauty in the normalcy of the day. I'm just so blessed to be alive and I hope and plan to have many more days to enjoy life!

I've enjoyed taking some pictures of our normal day with my new camera and effects. Hope you like!

Marielle had violin lesson today. She also worked really hard

to completely clean and organize her room — even found
my long lost kitchen scissors under her bed.

While Marielle was productive, Josiah spent a good chunk
of the day "laboring" over computer games.
I discovered him sitting like this. Don't ask me why.

Dale went in to the office to catch up on some work, but he swung
by home in time to grill our favorite chicken satay.
Mmmmm.....I'm still savoring some of the flavor in my mouth.

Marielle motivated me to clean up the rest of the house.

With the house clean, we decided to get out the Fall decorations.

While I don't have a picture of this, I decided to go out for a jog this evening.
It felt so rejuvenating! My stamina (and bones) wouldn't let me jog for long,
but who cares?! I had fun and feel SO great about myself and my life.
What a great day.

pay it forward

2011-08-31T11:57:00.000-07:00

I read the following online this morning and thought it very poignant:

You can find meaning in the storm. At times everyone goes through trials and tribulations. Seek out someone else in a similar situation and give them an encouragement or just a hug. Find meaning in the midst of your struggles by helping another in similar straits.

No matter what our personality is, I believe God has called ALL of us to give a little bit of ourselves to others. Sometimes I've thought it would be nice to just stay in my house all of the time and do nothing but read scriptures and get to know God better. I've even thought it would be nice to just be a monk! When I'm feeling blah and antisocial, then I justify my lack of relationships by writing in my blog. And while I believe that God can use my life through this blog to impact others, it's NOT THE SAME as having one on one contact with others.

Getting out there and meeting new people and investing in individual lives takes a huge amount of risk and causes a certain amount of vulnerability. Anyone can write anything----but to LIVE and WALK the words is another matter completely.

Have you ever wanted to make a huge impact on this world? Write a best seller? Witness to thousands on a mission field? Invent something wonderful and useful? Be a prodigy? Make it to Hollywood? Win something grand? Develop a new charity? Leave a tremendous mark on this world?

While there's nothing wrong in "making it big," it's not a necessary requirement to live a grand and meaningful life. Simply letting God do what he wants in the one-simple-single-life-that-we-have is enough to reach multitudes. Who knows how far one small act of kindness will go? Making one new friend can have a greater impact than we realize.

And not only do we each have the potential to leave a legacy behind us, but think of all the new life that will in turn flourish within each of us! It takes a little time and effort to grow stronger, taller and more bountiful, but it's well worth the effort.

So once again I am challenged to take the risk and pray for God to bring people to my life. Is there someone I can encourage? Or perhaps I need to hear some difficult words to help keep me on God's path. One great beauty about our relationship with God is that we get to live this relationship out in other people's lives. It's one way to experience a bit of Heaven on earth.

By the way, shortly after I wrote this post (and before I published it), I received a call from church asking me if I'd contact a lady who has just been diagnosed with cancer and is recovering from surgery. I couldn't believe it! What a mighty God we serve! So I called her (after psyching myself up and praying for some guidance and an extra dose of confidence), and we just had the BEST conversation. She was so easy to talk to and I'm sure this will be only one of many future phone calls and visits. My heart is still beating a little fast after calling a total stranger — but I'm also on a slight high from sharing about how good God is and how it IS possible to find joy in the midst of this trial called Cancer.

a kid again

2011-08-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

Marielle and I attended the Secret Keeper Girl live pajama party tour on Sunday night. We had a blast!

The Secret Keeper Girl is a phenomenon started by author and speaker, Dannah Gresh. It's designed to help encourage tween girls to live a life of modesty and to view themselves the way God views them----NOT based on how Hollywood and the media portrays beauty. God has perfectly crafted each and everyone of us (Psalm 139:13-14) and as children of the King, we are all princesses!

It was a complete girlie party — full of laughing, high levels of squealing, jumping up and down, large bouncy balls, confetti, and singing and dancing. Yet the evening was perfectly balanced with scripture reading, testimonies and mother/daughter prayer time. We were asked to think about what kind of negative "labels" we tend to put on ourselves. Some ideas that were shared are labels that may say: unloveable, stupid, too tall, ugly, weird....you get the idea. Then we let God remove our label and replace it with His truth from the Word and His love. The label that immediately popped into my own head was "unworthy." I struggle with this, because I guess I've always felt not good enough as a child which has carried into my relationship with God. I feel so unworthy when I approach God, but not in a respectful way — more like in a guilty way. This distorted view leads me to try too hard to please God, rather than live daily in His grace. I was reminded how beautiful I am in God's eyes and how I can hold my head up high as His child.

Isn't that just like God to use an event for 8 to 12-year-olds to help me to see inside of myself?! Even mommies still often see ourselves as self-conscious little girls at times. God will never stop teaching me things and helping me to grow in my faith — I'm so very grateful!

I will cherish the memories Marielle and I made that night. We prayed together and shared our feelings. We hugged and cried and even shook our booties — all for the joy of celebrating our place in God's kingdom. It was fun to be a kid again!

We enjoyed stories and plays among other things such as videos, contests
and did I mention all the energy and screaming?!!

The crowd went wild at the mention of a fashion show.

The girls in the fashion show were adorable, as were their outfits.
We were shown and given tips on how to dress modestly, while being oh, so stylish.

Here come the huge bouncy balls! Over our heads, the moms were up against
the girls as we tried to bounce our balls to the other side. Such fun!

1 week down....40 to go

2011-08-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

Week one of school is now over. I knew this would happen: I had homework all week! What's up with that?! Why is it that the parent has so much more homework and responsibilities than the student? (---at least at these grade levels)!

Every afternoon/evening this week was spent looking over the kids' rules, lists and assignments. I had to run to walmart to purchase items for school that were not on the supply list. I had to cut out and tape together paper sacks to make textbook covers. I had to gather empty cereal boxes, hunt for old catalogs and magazines, make snacks, read math facts, teach spelling words, fill out forms, decide if we'll do lunch menus, all while planning dinners and letting the kids get their energy out, then forcing them to shower and (heaven forbid) go to bed at a decent hour.

Whew.

I'm exhausted.

I became spoiled this summer — getting to sleep in and organize the days (or NOT). Being forced to wake up early to take the kids to school seems to set the tone for an entire day of tiredness, business and fussiness. I'm telling myself now that I need to make an intentional effort to slow down. It's easy to "enjoy life" and make new memories when the calendar is wide open! But how can I keep from pulling out my "just-growing-in-hair" when faced with a daunting year of activities, homework, lessons and routines?

I really need to pray hard that God will show me how to keep this school year from getting too crazy and filled up. I MISS MY SLOWER PACE! I definitely need God to give me His perspective and His patience. Let's face it....I need God to keep me sane!

I think my personal theme for this school year is going to be:

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. Psalms 29:11

no pain...no gain

2011-08-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

I told myself for the past month that I was going to start doing aerobics at the Cancer Center for Healthy Living again once the kids were back in school. But when I woke up this morning, I REALLY didn't want to go. Thoughts of going back to sleep consumed me and I could easily think of 10 other things I'd rather do with my time than exercise. But I made myself go anyway. Taking the kids to school was already getting me out of the house, so I really didn't have a good excuse to NOT swing by CCHL. Besides, I really wanted to see everyone again after not exercising for over a year.

All I can say is, "Wow. My body definitely knows it hasn't been active for about a year and a half!" That was about the hardest one hour of physical activity I've had in ages. Boy, am I out of shape! It felt so good to get moving again, but also so difficult to do a lot of the movements that use to come so easily. I can no longer bend and move my back — due to my back brace (not to mention the difficulty my brace causes in doing ab crunches!) and I have to be careful when twisting at the waist — because my ribs become easily displaced. My left leg and hip doesn't cooperate either, since I had radiation in that spot. It frustrates me that I can't stretch my left leg or bend and raise it like I used to. I've always been very flexible and sort of prided myself in my ability to do the splits, fold in half on the ground and even put my leg and feet up over my head.

Yes. This is me just three years ago — ah, the good ol' days....

But despite my limitations, I pressed on. As I panted and sweat like a pig, I kept a running statement flowing through my head: at least I'm helping to strengthen my bones...I'm doing this for my bones. And I'm so very grateful that I'm ABLE. I have a sinking feeling that someday I won't even be able to lift an arm or even stand upright. I'm sure that I will someday wish with all of my might that I would be given the chance to exercise again. Little did I know when I woke up this morning and made myself exercise, I would be gaining a new perspective today:

I've come to view exercise as a privilege, not something to dread.

Happy New Year

2011-08-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

It is officially the end of summer for us. I get a little choked up as I put away the kids' Super Summer Challenge. I am so pleased to say that both kids met their challenge and will be receiving their monetary reward tonight! They worked really hard yesterday to earn more points and it paid off. I'm so proud of them. This summer they have learned to do the laundry from start to finish (except for folding and putting away the adults' clothes). They have been physically active (swimming, riding bikes, riding scooters, hiking and jump roping). They have practiced skills in puzzle working and lego building. They have been creative with performing plays, writing stories, making masks and presenting puppet shows. They have helped around the house with vacuuming, dusting and cleaning. I wish they would have done better with their reading and bible memory, but they DID manage to earn some points in these areas. Now that it's over, I'm making notes of what did and didn't work and how I can alter the Challenge for next summer. Hopefully it won't be as time consuming for me when May comes around.

Now it's school time!

As you know, I love new beginnings. It feels like a great time to start some new routines as I hope and pray for the 2011-2012 school year to run smoothly. I feel like it's my job to teach these kids to be responsible. Not only is it important for them, it is necessary for ME! The less I have to stress about the kids, the better.

I have to say that I'm a little sad that the slow-pace summer is behind us now. As much as I love the anticipation of a new school year, I'm feeling cautious at how busy things could easily become. I definitely don't want our evenings to be crazy with meetings, lessons, homework, dinner, etc. It's a lot of work to make sure the kids get everything done and are in bed on time — not to mention the ideal of having a peaceful evening when Dale gets home from work. I would love to simplify things so that the evenings can be relaxing and even have time to read as a family or play family games regularly. There's no way to get around some of the lessons, activities and homework, but hopefully we can set up a good schedule for after school.

To help keep the kids organized and accountable, I've given them their own spaces for backpacks, jackets and shoes. I've also created a lunch list for each child. They have to choose one item from each category to make their own lunch every morning.

Now on to MY goals.....

I'm planning to exercise every Tuesday and Friday morning at the Cancer Center for Healthy Living. Boy, do I miss those ladies! I know that my days will be filled with numerous doctor appointments and treatments, but I'm also excited to join a regular Women's Bible Study. I have to be careful, though, not to overdo the planning for my days. The best thing I can do is rest up during school hours so I can physically and mentally "be there" for my family in the evenings.

So.....Happy New Year to all who have children heading back to school. I pray this school year is a year of spiritual growth and depth for all of us!

words fail me

2011-08-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

I wish I could capture life from a photo. If only I could savor the sounds around me and bottle up these feelings, I would open it up, let it pour out and relive these moments over and over.

Rather than list all I've done the past few days, I will attempt to describe the stirrings inside of me. Flying over California sent my heart racing. How can I even begin to describe the beauty and majesty? Living in the midwest, any views of mountains, hills and large bodies of water are luxuries I'm deprived of. To see such a view from the sky brings tears to my eyes and a longing to meet this great Creator of the universe. Such creativity our God has! To think that the world was created for us and God's pleasure! Amazing.

While Dale was hard at work yesterday, I took a road trip over to Half Moon Bay. If I was eloquent, I could adequately describe the ocean, but words fail me. Sporadic words jumble in my head: breathtaking, powerful, awe-inspiring, majestic, unbelievable..... I felt like I was getting to see and experience a bit of God. Can you imagine? I can't fathom how speechless I'll be when I glimpse His face. No amount of beauty on earth can even compare! Simply glorious.

As I walked along the path, my breath caught as I first stole a peek at the Pacific Ocean. I could hear the waves before my eyes saw the source. I wanted to jump up and down and twirl around like a child, but the serenity of the moment held me back. So I stood and stared. I smiled and praised God for letting me experience this moment. Then I called my sisterchick to brag a little bit about what I was seeing! :-)

I saw such amazing views from the upper trails.
Getting down to the beach was a bit of a challenge as there were no steps.
But I was determined to hike it.

I made it!! The sand beneath my toes felt luxurious.

Can you hear the sound of these powerful waves? I wish I could capture the roar as I heard it in surround sound. I must have sat for minutes with my mouth hanging open, simply enthralled.

After my trip to Half Moon Bay, I headed back to the hotel to soak up some sun by the pool. It was such a pleasant day. Today has been equally relaxing, but I'm starting to get a little sad knowing that we only have one more night here. I believe Dale has made plans for us this evening, and even though I don't know what we're doing, I can't wait! As much as I enjoy being alone with my thoughts, I'm looking forward to seeing some of California with my husband by my side.

hello from CA

2011-08-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a year of trips (among other things). I now write to you from a hotel in California! Dale had to fly out for one more week of training for his new job and I got to tag along for the ride. We arrived late last night after 14 long hours in the sky and in various airports. I slept like a log, and now am trying to get used to the time difference. My mind and my body can't agree on what time it is!

So I think today will be a recuperating day at the hotel room. Dale is at work, so I'm just going to hang out here, rest, read and maybe watch some tv. This afternoon I plan to soak up some sun by the pool and see what Dale wants to do this evening.

I'm hoping to drive around tomorrow and see some sights, then meet some of Dale's coworkers in the afternoon. Right now it feels surreal to be on the coast. I just LOVE the cooler climate!! I hope the next few days will be full of many new memories and wonderful moments with Dale. It's been difficult for us to be apart so much this summer, which makes this trip all the more special.

I was laughing to my close friend as I recounted how many states I've visited in just a 12-month period. Beginning September 2010, I have traveled to ELEVEN different states:

Michigan (visit one of my dearest friends)
Indiana (women's Bible conference)
Texas (MD Anderson hospital)
Georgia (layover)
Missouri (Christmas with family)
Wisconsin (job interview)
Florida (family trip to Disney World)
Ohio (job interview)
Arkansas (girl get-away)
Minnesota (layover)
California (job training)

I think fondly of all of our trips---whether the purposes were for business, medical or pleasure. I feel so blessed to have gotten to see so much of God's creation this past year: views from the sky, to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, and lakes, hills, cities, farmlands, culture, and natural beauty. I've laughed and played and eaten and enjoyed so many new experiences, with my immediate family, with my extended family, by myself and with close friends. How can I complain? There is beauty all around us. Sometimes I do wonder and wish I could see even more---like Niagra Falls, Paris, Australia, Hawaii and the Grand Canyon. I would love to view the Renaissance Art in Italy, to hear Blues in New Orleans, to impact a life in Africa, to watch a broadway show in New York, to view a sunrise from a hot air balloon, to walk where Jesus walked in Galilee, to hike a mountain in Colorado....it really doesn't matter. I would love to see it all! Every new thing I see and every new experience I get to have reminds me of how glorious it is to be alive. But I don't have to travel all around the world to enjoy life. My most precious memories are with family and friends. THIS is my legacy. It's not about traveling....it's about LIVING!

memories...massages...manicures...ahhh....

2011-08-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

The four of us received a VERY special treat today. We were all pampered for several hours at the Five Senses Spa & Salon. What a blessing!! We had so much fun and it was utterly relaxing. When we got home, Dale and I just felt like jello and didn't want to do anything this evening, but relax. The whole ordeal was especially memorable, because I got to enjoy all of the treatments with my family. I just love seeing everything through the eyes of my children, and I'm so glad that Dale was able to relax and enjoy a massage. He works so hard and takes such good care of us — he's so deserving.

The Cancer Center for Healthy Living was honored at the same time with a $500 check from Five Senses. I'm so glad I got to be a part of it all and help CCHL receive a well-deserved donation. All in all, it was a perfect day.

Okay. I had no idea Josiah gave Marielle bunny ears until I uploaded these photos.
He's a 7-year old, alright.

Matt George from the Cancer Center for Healthy Living receives the $500 donation from Five Senses.

My relaxing pedicure!!

Josiah received a foot soak and lotion.

Both Marielle and Josiah received haircuts.

Marielle and I are enjoying our manicures.

We're showing off our new nails. Of course, Josiah wanted in on the photo,
so once again.....out come the bunny ears!

The best part of the day for the kids was obviously the chocolate fountain.

back to the real world

2011-08-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a good day, albeit a busy one. I knew that the return home would mean a return to the daily routines, appointments and errands amidst the unpacking, laundry and getting settled back in. As much as I love the slow-pace of vacations — where time seems to pause and I feel as though I'm living someone else's life — there's something comforting about wrapping myself around the normalcy of "my little world."

So today has been a day to put behind the lovely get-away and delve into the present. Over the next few days I'm sure we'll have the suitcases unpacked and hopefully get the house in order once again. The "old" me would take care of all of these tasks immediately, but I'm either getting lazy in my old age or extremely laid back. Having Dale home from California helps me to not rush into the duties of housekeeper so quickly. I hope he doesn't mind a messy house for a little while.

Another reason I'm not too eager to get up and "do," is because I had a doctor's appointment today which included my monthly treatments. I'm just pleased I managed to get dinner on the table tonight, as my back and legs are hurting something fierce. I don't want to move! My hormone shots are brutal and I also had to receive a zometa infusion. Even though I don't relish these treatments, and I will suffer the side effects for a few days, there IS good news:

The bone density scan showed no signs of osteoporosis! Zometa is working!! Although my bones will always be at risk for fractures (due to damage caused by cancer), at least my bones aren't thin from osteoporosis! My bones are about as strong as they can possibly be, under the circumstance. This is great news!

Also, my white and red cell counts and my platelets are normal. YES! I'm finally healing from the effects of chemo. The only real concern the doctor mentioned was my kidneys have a slightly elevated creatinine level, so I need to make sure I drink plenty of water. Also, I have a slight fever, but this may be due to the sinus infection I've been working on getting rid of.

I will have another PET scan before I see the doctor next month. The results of the scan will let us know if the hormone therapy is effective. This is an important test and will determine the next course of action: whether I continue with my current treatment or have to go back on chemo.

Dale is playing Clue with the kids, the dishwasher is running and the last load of laundry is folded, though not put away. Perhaps I'll call it a day. The laundry will keep and the dishes can be put away tomorrow. My head is pounding from my daily headache, my back is screaming at me and my bed is calling me. I suppose I'll listen.

girls & giggles galore

2011-08-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't been updating my blog lately because....well, I've been having too much fun!! The past few days have been thoroughly filled with giggles and priceless memories.

After my cancer diagnosis last year, and because my oldest sister moved to Texas, we decided to plan a Girl Getaway weekend in the hopes of making it an annual event. So this weekend has been our 2nd Getaway. We traveled 8 hours southwest and my sister drove 8 hours northeast to meet up in Hot Springs, Arkansas. What a blast we've had! I feel so blessed that my family has such a great relationship with one another. We are all able to thoroughly relax and enjoy being together. There's no discord or stress....just tons of laughs! I've captured some of the fun....

We made it to the hotel. It wouldn't be a Cunningham gathering without a photo of our feet!

Grandma gave the girls cool zipper purses.

My favorite sissies! I love them to death.

Mother/Daughter photo op

Mom and her four girls.

140 degrees of hot spring water, made even hotter on this 109 degree day.

We got to touch the hot spring water. Let me just say, "It was HOT!"

Marielle and I are sitting beside a natural hot spring.

We toured a bath house and I couldn't resist stepping inside this AWESOME shower.
Can you imagine?? Ahhh.......

My sisters and I thought this would be a neat photo inside the bath house.
But the lounging chairs were rock hard. I can't imagine anyone thinking this would be relaxing.
We painfully posed for all the cameras.

Now what would a trip to Hot Springs be without a trip to the spa!?!!

Marielle is getting her very first manicure.

life after death

2011-08-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, one of our Sunday sermons was so captivating, that I recently listened to it again and downloaded the podcast. I actually didn't make it to church that particular morning, due to chemotherapy and hormone therapy both messing with my system. My back had been aching something fierce (even cried over my back pain the night before). But even though I didn't make it to church, I watched the live video stream from the comfort of my bed while laying sideways so my back wouldn't hurt. Because of times like that, I really appreciate modern technology. I listened. I worshiped. I prayed and I was moved---all in my pajamas.

The sermon was titled, "Mystery: God's Domain." It was a very eloquent message about Heaven and life after death. I decided that I wanted to save this sermon, particularly for my children to hear someday when I'm no longer on this earth. I want them to feel comforted and know without any doubt that I am in such a great and better place. If you have a few minutes (approximately 30), I encourage you to check it out:

brand new week

2011-08-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm trying to slowly wake up and getting a kick out of watching these crazy kids of mine. I woke up to find them cutting holes into large boxes. I love it!

I really should be tackling the day, but it seems to take me a long time to really wake up. In fact, I usually don't feel like doing anything until around 1:00 pm! So I'll just sit here for a few minutes and update my blog.

Monday isn't usually my favorite day of the week. But I'm choosing to make it a great day. I have a lot to do, but that's okay, because of the reason. I'm anticipating a great week as I get ready for our annual Cunningham Girl Get-Away! I'll be taking the kids to Missouri, leaving Josiah with Dale's parents and then driving with Marielle to Hot Springs, Arkansas! We'll have 4 days, 3 nights in Hot Springs with my mom, my 3 sisters and my daughter's girl cousins. Between all 8 of us, it promises to be a weekend full of laughs and memories. I can't wait!!

But today must be dedicated to doing laundry, packing, shopping and getting this house in order.

I'm still having sinus issues, but it is manageable with medication — except for this persistent cough. But I won't let it spoil my fun!

misery

2011-07-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

Pounding headache. Watery eyes. Clogged up nostrils. Constant sneezing. Head pressure. Scratchy throat. Yep. It's the dreaded allergies. If it's not one thing, it's another! In some ways, I feel worse than after a chemo treatment. Oh, this is miserable. I can't see....I can't think....I can't talk....I can't breathe....I can't sleep. I have my head propped up on pillows and tissues are permanently sticking out of my raw and chaffed nostrils. Is it horrible of me to expect utter silence from my boisterous children? Now that my white cells are building back up, I really hope that I can shake this sooner rather than later.

I had such a good day planned for today, but alas....it isn't to be. Why is it that our days can be so full, but one sickness can easily put a halt to all plans. Nothing else matters. I just want to crawl into bed and let the kids fend for themselves.

If there's one thing to take away from this is that people get sick all of the time. Not everything is related to cancer, nor do I need to use cancer as a plumbline for all pain. When people are feeling miserable, it's important to recognize their pain---which comes in varying degrees. Cancer is just one type of illness, but to tell you the truth, I feel worse now than I have in a very long time! *sigh* At least this, too, shall pass.

a pause in time

2011-07-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

Dale flew into Peoria late on Friday, spent 3 quick days at home and is now heading back to California. Oh, how we have enjoyed reconnecting over the weekend. Just as I never want to take my health or my life for granted, I need to cherish my husband and cultivate our marriage and family life. It's not necessarily quantity of time, but quality that is important----true in both life AND relationships.

It's been a jam-packed weekend: we went swimming, ate all of our meals together (with me actually cooking!), Dale and I went on a date to see Captain America, Dale took Marielle out for a daddy-daughter-date, he spent quality time with Josiah, family movie night with popcorn, church, lots of hugs and snuggles, goofing around and just plain ol' loving each other.

Once again, our home is minus the head. To keep things from getting too mundane, I'm planning to relax a lot, but also fill our days with various activities. These last couple of weeks before school always seem to drag by as I listen to little mouths complain about being bored. Not having any relief from my husband necessitates getting organized and staying on top of the daily to-dos. I just started teaching the kids piano lessons yesterday, so it's exciting to watch them run to the piano and practice. Then in a few days I'll be taking the kids to Missouri for awhile and trying to find some touristy activities for us to do. It'll be fun!!

So my prayer is that Dale has a safe flight to California and the next couple of weeks encourage him in his new job. It's always overwhelming to step into a new job, but hopefully this transition will go smoothly and bring him quickly home to us.

cancer update

2011-07-24T15:14:00.000-07:00

Since I often get asked how I'm doing physically, here's the update: I'm feeling wonderful!! I'm gradually gaining more energy and cutting way back on my medications. Even though my back brace has now become a permanent fixture, I've been able to ride my exercise bike for 10 miles 3-4 times per week. Yippee!! I'm looking forward to getting outside (when it's cooler) and doing some regular walking and possibly working up to some jogging. As of now, the heat just simply wipes me out.

I still struggle a bit with back issues when I either sit, stand, walk or lay for long periods of time, but I'm adjusting. The past few days, my back seems to give me troubles first thing in the morning, which is something new. I now have to plan all of my outfits with the inclusion of my back brace: will my jeans be able to button, does the brace show through my shirt, will the brace bunch up my clothes, should I swim and NOT wear the brace, or simply watch the kids swim while I sit with my brace on, etc. It's a bummer, but I am SO thankful for how much the brace helps.

Dale asked me this morning how I'm feeling now that I'm off of chemo and on hormone therapy. Do I have a sense if the hormone therapy is working? While I can definitely tell that my body is gradually purging chemo from my system, I really have no idea if the hormone therapy is working or not. Sometimes I'll feel new aches and pains in my joints and bones, but it's nothing that really triggers a worry. Also, the extreme heat is really messing with my energy---as I'm sure it does everyone else, too. Simply walking to and from the car makes me want to crawl inside a freezer and hibernate for a week. I get way too fatigued and light-headed when I step outside---of course, the hot flashes don't help matters!

This Thursday, I have a bone density scan. This will determine if the zometa injections over the past year have been working as they should.

And then at the end of August/beginning of September, I'll have another PET scan. This scan will be compared to the scan I had in May, which will let us know how I'm reacting to the hormone therapy. If the cancer activity is stable or has decreased, then we'll continue with the hormone therapy. If not, it's back to chemo I'll go.

So that's it. It's been a great summer. I am so blessed to have this season to enjoy life a little more fully. It's especially nice to remember what God has brought me through in the past year. Last summer, we had to face the very real possibility that my health would just continue to decline until God chooses to take me home. Having this reprieve feels like a cool blast of wind in the desert. Ahhhh....refreshing!

summertime fun

2011-07-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

Where is this summer going? I can't believe that school starts in just over 4 weeks.

I always look forward to the beginning of school, because it signifies cooler weather, autumn decor and a building of anticipation toward the holidays. I'm looking forward to hayrides, bonfires, pumpkin carving, wearing jackets, apple cider and cinnamon candles.

As excited as I am to enjoy all that autumn brings, I'm not quite ready to give up summer yet. While I do NOT like the sticky, suffocating weather, I'm enjoying the laid-back routine. It's so nice to be able to plan our days according to how I feel or what we're in the mood to do. We've gone on some vacations this summer, but mostly our days are spent at home. Here are some photos of our typical summer days:

Many hours are spent outside in the backyard.

Marielle and Josiah got to sleep all night in their cool fort.

Josiah riding a pony on the last day of Vacation Bible School.

Marielle takes a turn on her pony.

I can't tell you how many hours my children spend outside feeding all of our squirrels,
chipmunks, and other wildlife. Oh, and yes....they all have names!

Marielle snuggles in the hammock.

Josiah's turn in the hammock.

Between swim lessons and pool parties, my kids are becoming fish.

Josiah lost both his two front teeth this summer.

Countless hours playing with legos!

the answer

2011-07-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of Christian sayings and platitudes floating around out there. Some of the biggies are: Let go and Let God; Surrender All; Jesus is the Answer; Pray God's Will, What Would Jesus Do? etc.

I may know in my head what the answer is and I may know in my head what God is telling me to do, but it's quite another thing to have these truths find their way to my heart and be able to implement them. How does one simply ignore their feelings, their emotions, their battles, their circumstances and apply God's truth? I know that such attitudes like fear, jealousy, pride, anger, frustration and selfishness are not fruits of the Spirit, but are Christians expected to pretend like these very real emotions don't exist? How can we immediately surrender it all when we are merely human and live in such a fallen world and are being attacked from all sides?

These are questions that can't be answered with a simple platitude. The beauty (and even struggle) of the Christian journey is the process that God takes in each individual life to bring us to the place of redemption. The process for me will be quite different than for the next fellow. I have to learn certain things and have my own "ah-ha" moment. God will show himself real to me in a completely different way than my friends. But the exciting thing about the Family of God is that we get to share our experiences and spur each other on to walk closer to God in our own lives.

I had a very huge "ah-ha" moment just now and can't wait to share.

I've been dealing with some junk in my life and been forced to look at it square on. I can only describe the inner turmoil as a battle. I want to fight it, but I don't know how. Instead, I'm sinking lower and lower and losing the fight. I know all of the proper answers: Give it to God, Let God Fight the Battles, Surrender My Desires and My Will, Pray More, etc. But I'm making myself crazy because it's not enough to KNOW what to do and it's not easy to DO IT!

How does one get across the huge chasm between desiring to follow God and receiving freedom from the bondage? I think it's as simple as getting close to Jesus. If I only get close enough to Jesus to touch the hem of His garment, then I can hear His voice and the junk that is holding me back will hear it too. Like the sick woman in the Bible, if I just touch the hem of His garment, I know I'll be made whole!

So....HOW do I touch the hem of His garment? I must get close enough to Jesus. I now recognize that I've slowly let other things slip into my life which has subtly pushed away my time getting to know Jesus better. DUH! No wonder I'm a mess. I miss God's voice....His gentle leading. I'm gasping for air and wondering why I can't fix this! But by listening to God's voice (His Word), I hear the whispers: Be still, child. Come back to Me. Spend time with Me. Listen to Me....Learn from Me....Love Me. Your heart will be renewed. Your life will be filled. You'll be given the freedom you desire.

I don't need to fight against the battles, I only need to stay close to Jesus, where the things that war against my soul don't stand a chance! The worst possible thing I could do in the midst of a battle is try and get out of it on my own. I need the nearness of God to guide me and the voice of God to replace negative thoughts/attitudes that are raging in my head.

What a relief! Jesus IS the answer---all I have to do is spend time with Him and let Him teach me!

new battles

2011-07-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

I just had the best email conversation with the sister of my soul, whom I haven't spoken with in many months. Oh, how I cherish this friend who encourages me and always challenges me to live closer to God. I just felt like I was at a revival! Thank you, Lord, for using your child and speaking through her.

Amidst her encouragement, I suddenly felt very weary. I cannot live up to glowing praise. I feel uncomfortable when people are inspired by my faith. It's all too overwhelming. I know the deep ugliness that lives just below the surface, and I'm disgusted with myself.

Throughout our conversation, I realized that the enemy is doing some mighty strong battling within me. I didn't realize it, until tonight, that perhaps these battles are surfacing because my body is now starting to recuperate. I'm not as consumed with my health, but there will always be some sort of struggle along this Christian journey. Although cancer is a biggie, there are many other trials and opportunities to grow in faith.

I'm "getting it"---as far as giving God control of my body and my health. But what about all of the other hundred little things that vie for attention? Too many things are distracting me from pure joy in God. I'm missing that unhindered relationship between myself and God. What is standing in the way?

Once again I found myself getting depressed because I can't get out of these battles. Some are big, some are small, but all are keeping me in bondage. My angel-friend mentioned Gideon, and I was instantly reminded that God was the one who defeated the Midianites, not Gideon. The situation seemed hopeless, after all, Gideon's army was so small. But there is no enemy too large.....no battle too strong....for God's mighty power to work. He doesn't desire for me to fix up my life on my own. He desires to attack the battles for me!! I suppose it won't be easy----is war ever pretty?! But knowing that complete freedom lies on the other side gives me the courage to fight alongside God.

To prove that God is already at work, helping me to recognize a need for Him, my friend sent me the following scripture verse. She had no idea that I had been battling some things, yet felt led by God to first contact me, then share this voice from God:

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ---Ephesians 3:20

warm inside and out

2011-07-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

My youngest sister is here for a visit this weekend and I'm loving it! Having anyone in my family come to visit is always like a vacation---only without the expense, the packing and the driving. I will be so sad to see her head back to Missouri tomorrow. I think we just may have gotten our fill of playing Rummikub and thrift shopping, but who knows what tomorrow will hold!

This past week has been pretty busy with activities. I've taken the kids to swim lessons every morning and Vacation Bible School every evening. Dale has been in California all week for his new job orientation, but we've kept ourselves busy, so as not to miss him too much. I'm just a tad jealous of the springlike weather he's enjoying while we gasp for fresh air that is not tainted with humidity. But surprisingly, the biggest adjustment I've encountered in his absence has been my sleep schedule. For some reason, I have stayed up ridiculously late all week. I found myself either working on the computer, reading or watching dvds. I guess I haven't really have much motivation to go to bed.....ALONE!

As much as the kids and I miss him, we're trying to make the best of it. One very special thing we've done is get into our pajamas at bedtime then go outside and sit in the hammock. We chat, we swing, we laugh and we try not to tip over as we stretch to get comfortable when the hammock wants to scrunch us together. Then we say our prayers while being serenaded by crickets! Ahhh....summertime....

Another memorable thing we've done this week is walk to and from Vacation Bible School. This church is literally just down the road from us. I will always cherish walking together, listening to the kids tell me how much fun they had at VBS. I'm not much of an outside-person, but I have simply loved walking toward the sunset with a child on each hand. I know that the days of walking hand-in-hand will all too quickly slip away from me. As much as I desire Marielle and Josiah to grow up to be responsible and independent, it's times like these that I want to keep them young forever.

stirrings

2011-07-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever experienced little stirrings inside at the thought of accomplishing or experiencing something?

I have several such things that cause my heart to skip a beat at their very mention:

Jazz Music (particularly bluesy jazz)
I can hardly describe how I feel when I listen to crazy syncopation, dissonant chords and quirky melodies. I just long to participate and become surrounded by the fullness of jazz. It is a desire of mine to one day experience some of this genre and culture in New Orleans. Oh, to be able to say I've been there.....!

Mission Trips
Every time I hear about a mission trip (no matter where) my heart stirs. I want to go! I want to share Jesus with anyone and everyone! It would be so wonderful to leave behind the comforts of my own little world to invest fully in lives that are so precious to God----regardless of how long or short the trip may be.

Balloon Ride
I've always wanted to ride in a hot air balloon. I'm not sure why....other than the fact that it would be a wonderful experience. I can't help this stirring within me! I long to see the beauty of God's creation from a different perspective. I imagine the experience to be similar to flying (only not as scary as, say, skydiving)! What would it be like to be lifted higher and higher, starting out at tree level and gradually gaining a greater view? I could stretch my arms, feel the wind, breathe the air and see the sights without the hinderance of windows. Ahhh....I picture it so peaceful and breathtaking.

Jogging/Running
For some strange reason, my insides stir when I think about jogging along a sidewalk and feeling the wind rush past me. When I see runners in movies, I somehow feel like that should be me. I used to like to run around the track in 5th grade, but I never kept it up, nor was I very athletic. I can't say that I particularly love to run, but I like the IDEA of running. Weird, huh? I've tried jogging, but never really consistently. Perhaps I need some sort of accountability.----But then, that would probably take away my idealistic view of running! Still.....I feel that someday I'm going to jog/walk/run regularly.

Worship Through Signing
I haven't told many people this, but I wish with all of my heart that I knew how to worship God through interpretive signing. A few years ago, I watched a young lady move and sign to some praise songs and I got chills. It was so beautiful and holy. When I think about this, or even attempt to try these movements, I feel that passion stir within me. I just want to praise God with my entire body....with arms outstretched and with visual movements to draw my attention to Him. *sigh....maybe one day I'll learn.

Pioneer Days
I realize that the pioneer days were anything but glorious, yet I find myself drawn to a simpler time. I don't see myself making homemade soap, growing my own food, and washing my clothes out by hand, but I simply love the mindset. Family meant togetherness and children were happy and carefree to run around the prairie. A mere faceless doll or penny candy was something to rejoice about and very little was taken for granted. I can't help but think fondly of that time period so long ago.

There's not much reason to why I listed these things on my blog...other than the fact that I find it strange to be stirred by a handful of unrelated things. Isn't it interesting how God creates all of us so completely unique? I'm glad that God desires for me to enjoy beauty and life on earth. But I'm even more glad that God takes my past, my passions and my personality and somehow morphs it all into his perfect design for my life.

What stirs you?

a ten-year lesson

2011-07-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

I came across the following blog entry I wrote last fall, but never posted. I'm encouraged to read it again at this time, because I needed the reminder that God is faithful. We're experiencing a new wave of financial prosperity (Dale's new job), along with new burdens/expenses (car payments, COBRA and school tuition). As much as I want to worry and fret, our past track record with God won't let me. How can I worry when all I have to do is remember how God has always led us and carried us through our financial struggles?

The following post was written during one of my sleepless nights in September 2010:

Oh, wow.

In this world of instant gratification, it can be VERY difficult to wait on the Lord---especially when it comes to a prayer that doesn't seem to be answered. Sometimes I wonder if God has really heard an important prayer of mine. Or perhaps the fault is with me. Am I praying with a pure heart? Is my desire in line with God's will?

Well, I have an answer to prayer that's gonna knock your socks off!

It has taken TEN YEARS to see the results of this particular prayer. Have I prayed consistently for ten years. No. But God has used the past ten years to teach me valuable lessons along the way.

Ten years ago, I quit my full time job to become a full time mommy. At the time, I was making more money than Dale, so it was quite an adjustment and took a lot of faith---knowing that we'd need to rely on God to meet our needs.

Well, throughout the past ten years, God has definitely been with us and kept us out of bankruptcy! Needless-to-say, it's been rough at times....especially when unexpected car repairs or house repairs or medical bills arose. Early on, I'd fret and worry and try to re-budget. But over the years I learned to trust God more, because time and time again, I saw His hand work. We'd receive unexpected money, or a bill was significantly less than we had budgeted. Eventually, when a crisis happened, I was able to smile at God from the get-go and say, "Okay, Lord....I can't wait to see how You'll get us through this one!"

The low point for me came when I made a poor judgement and was scammed online out of $3500. This was money that we didn't have to begin with, so we had to cash in our retirement. I found myself sinking low into a minor depression. It took a few days for me to leave it in God's hands and trust God and even pray for the man that scammed us. God showed me that it's only money and that salvation is so much more valuable than money. I then became very saddened over a life that would scam others.

I have had to come to peace that God must know if we had more money, then I'd probably be more selfish and just want more things.

Like I said, there have been many lessons learned throughout the years about letting go of our finances. This has been very hard for me, because, while I have no desire to be rich, I do like the security that money offers. God knows that I want His will above all else, but He also knows how I desire to have a little extra....to live a little more comfortably....to offer more to our kids....to even have the option of helping and giving to others.

Ready for that answered prayer??

Well, it turns out that because of my Stage IV cancer diagnosis, I qualify for a benefit that will allow us a regular monthly check (Social Security Disability). I never thought I'd be glad to have Stage IV cancer, but this is definitely something good to come out of it!

From the beginning, I want to praise God for this blessing. I hope and pray that we will be wise with this money and not just use it to increase our lifestyle. Of course we will want to use it to pay off our medical bills as well as our car repairs and possibly be able to get our basement finished. But I'm really struggling hard with going back to my own ways and fleshly desires of wanting "more." I've been dreaming of things we could have now and things we could do. I'm finding that I need to constantly check my heart and my motives. It's going to be a new lesson and a new challenge to let go of our finances, when we actually HAVE some finances to let go of!

then & now / now & forever

2011-07-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

I was going through our old photo library and came across a shocking photo of myself while I was getting chemo treatments. I couldn't believe how deathly I looked --- and this was only 4 months ago! A lot can happen in a few months, so I wanted to compare a "Now & Then" photo:

from February 2011 to June 2011

I can just see God's blessings all over this photo. Can't you? What a healing work He has done with my health over the past year. I want to praise Him everyday! I may have been struggling as my white blood cells were "dying" --- but God was healing! Little did I know that it would take those many months of pain to bring forth a season of joy.

Someday in the future, I may look sick again, but that's life ---- isn't it?! This is just a physical reminder of the ups and downs of life. I may not always be happy or on top of the world, but there is always hope and the promise of something better. Whether I never get another burst of energy or healing touch, my ultimate hope is Eternal Life. Our "before/after" photos will take place when we leave this earth. Just think of how "dead" we will appear on earth compared to the true life that followers of Christ will experience in heaven!! I don't know about you, but I'm sure glad I have something even better than physical health to look forward to.

treatments today

2011-07-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

I had a doctor's appointment today and also received a zometa injection and two shots of hormone therapy. It's been 5 weeks since I've had any treatments, and boy does my body realize this. I've been in a lot of pain today---mostly from the two shots. The drugs just burn down my legs and make it difficult to stand upright, let alone walk. I remember from last month that I'll be sore and bruised for about a week. Zometa is also doing a number on my intestines. I'm not sure what's going on there, but it isn't pretty (or pleasant)!

I try not to complain about my pain, but I just couldn't hide it very well tonight. It is quite obvious I'm in pain by the way I'm limping and groaning with each step. After dinner, I parked it on the couch and let Dale and the kids take care of themselves. Everyone prayed for me before bed and then Marielle offered to put lotion on my feet and rub. She has magic fingers! Josiah wanted in on the action, too---perhaps to get out of going to bed on time. Then Marielle rubbed my back. I told them about how beneficial massage can be to reduce stress and actually promote healing. They were so excited and offered to spend one hour tomorrow "taking care of me!" So sweet!! Of course I couldn't pass up the teachable moment to inform my children of the best way they can help me and reduce my stress level: simply obey and accept my answers without complaining!! Wouldn't mothers everywhere be a whole lot happier and less frazzled if we had nice, compliant children who loved to make us happy by being agreeable??!!! : )

the desires of my heart

2011-07-05T22:17:00.000-07:00

Psalm 37:3-7

3 Trust in the Lord and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

your vindication like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the Lord

and wait patiently for him.

After a year of living in the valley, we are enjoying a season on the mountain. I am just so giddy with pure enjoyment of life, that I can hardly stand it. Praising God for His blessings just oozes unconsciously from my pores. I can't help but see the beauty in all of creation and my soul sings with gratitude and love.

Allow me this opportunity to explain what's going on......

Side by side with my cancer diagnosis and treatments this past year, we've endured a stressful journey of seeking new employment for my husband. I've had to be discreet and not share this journey with many people, for obvious reasons: it would be very bad for Dale to get laid off due to his searching for a new job.

In the midst of the stresses that an unforeseen future causes, God has dealt harshly with me. Thank goodness for His patience and His ultimate goal to desire a relationship. I spent many days shedding tears for fear of having to move across the country. Dale's job search lead him to several out of state interviews: the most serious prospectives located in Wisconsin, Ohio and California or Florida. How can I move farther away from my family? I don't want to live somewhere far away from our church family and our friends. What about my health and healthcare? Is it wise to leave my doctors and cancer care? What about the children? Their schooling? What about having to sell our house, plan a huge move and find a new place to live? We knew that these questions would need to be answered in the summer of 2011. I felt very stressed about having to move quickly to get the kids settled in a school before August.

So I prayed. And agonized. And prayed. And fretted. Back and forth....back and forth.

In time God helped me to remember that He wants good for me and our family. I needn't fear the future or the unknown. In fact, I could even look forward to seeing how God might use a move for good in our life. Why should I beg and plea to stay in Peoria when God may have something better for us in a different state? Perhaps I would receive better cancer care. Or maybe my path needs to cross with totally different people? Perhaps the children would benefit in a different school or Dale needs the opportunities from a specific job that's not in Peoria. Who am I to say? What do I really know of what I want? I definitely don't want to push my will enough to hinder God's perfect will for us. So I found it easy to pray for God's will, knowing that He knows what's better for us than I do.

My challenge was to pray God's will, yet ask him sincerely for the desires of my heart. Eventually I found peace with whatever may happen. My prayers went something like this:

Lord, I really, REALLY, REALLY want to stay in Peoria. This is where my friends are and I just don't want to move. But, you know, Lord, that I will follow you. Please help me to see things from your perspective and give me peace no matter what. I desire to go where you want us to go---but PLEASE hear my heart. I'm in agony. You know that I will make the best of any situation and I truly want your will to be done. I trust you whole-heartedly. Thank you for listening to my heart and knowing that I'm willing to go wherever you want us to go.

Ahhh..... I can breathe easier. but even though I could envision us moving away, I didn't realize how much this idea of moving was a huge burden and taking its toll on my stress level.

UNTIL......

I felt a huge weight lift off of me when we found out a few days ago that Dale gets to stay in Peoria! He accepted a job for a company located in California, but they are setting him up with an office in Peoria. We may have to move in a year or so, but at least we are given a gift of taking things at a slower pace. No longer are we rushed to make tons of decisions quickly. I'll get to keep my oncologist and the kids can have some security at school for another year. We don't have to hurry up and sell our house or worry about healthcare immediately.

Thank you, THANK YOU, LORD!!! What a blessing! As we know, a lot can happen in a year. Perhaps we'll even be able to stay in Peoria longer than a year. I realize that this could very well have had a different outcome. I'm not saying that because I prayed to stay in Peoria, God answered the way I had hoped. I realize that I could be writing a blog entry right now about my concerns with making a move across the country. If that were the case, I would probably stress a bit, but ultimately press on and trust God for our future. Praying for the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4) doesn't guarantee I'll get what I want, but if my deep down desire is to commit to the Lord and trust Him (verse 5), then I believe the outcome of God's will is the perfect solution for my life. How can I help but delight in Him and praise Him for how He answers my prayers?!

But as it stands, I'm shouting for JOY and giving God praise that he's allowing us to stay in Peoria for now! Whew. What a relief.

Our lil' gingerbread house is still our home for now!

celebrating Marielle's 10th

2011-07-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

We arrived home last night from a 7-day visit with family in Missouri. It was wonderful to celebrate Marielle's birthday and Independence Day, while spending time with extended family. Here are some photos of Marielle's birthday party and our latest trip:

Marielle enjoyed her swimming birthday party with her closest friends.

It was a "Tangled" birthday.

The gang scarfing down pizza and cheese balls!

Elephant Rocks State Park in Missouri.

Such breathtaking views! Isn't God amazing?!

The heat and my energy level kept me from climbing too much, but I did as much as I could.

After Elephant Rocks we toured some petroglyphs.

Marielle & Josiah with cousins Charlotte & Jonathan.

And the winner is....

2011-07-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

Wahoo! The Cancer Center for Healthy Living just won a $500 donation from Five Senses Spa & Salon!! Yippeee!!! Thank you to everyone for leaving a comment and supporting this awesome non-profit organization. Our local NBC came to Five Senses to do a bit on the contest. Here's the clip:

on the road again

2011-06-28T14:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to cram too many things into this summer. Of course, since I've been feeling better, I want to seize every opportunity to take trips, plan activities, see new things and make wonderful memories. At times I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. I just don't know what my health will be like this fall or next summer. I don't want to waste a moment of it!

So here we are again.....taking a trip to Missouri. Marielle's 10th birthday is Thursday, so we are visiting the grandparents and perhaps an aunt or two and some cousins. I always look forward to these trips. It's so much fun to plan and pack and travel. And trips back home always have an extra blessing of being relaxing. Times with extended family make me feel like a kid again, and I love to see my children through the eyes of their grandparents!

speaking of moments.....

2011-06-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

I've been really stuck on "moments" lately. Of course I want to make the most of each moment, but let's face it: many moments are down right bad. I guess my goal is to outweigh the bad moments by focusing on the good and making new memories.

This past weekend I was able to enjoy a little get-away with my sister-chick. We didn't plan some big, extravagant trip, but simply drove 3 hourrs, stayed in a hotel 2 nights, shopped, then drove back home. No big deal. Yet it was FABULOUS! Just having a break in the normal routine did wonders for my perspective. The little moments I stored up were just simple things:

taking a bubble bath by candlelight
sleeping until 9:00 am
shopping for that perfect gourmet popcorn
SAVORING that perfect gourmet popcorn!
laughing hysterically about stinking up the bathroom
listening to praise music while applying make-up
reading in bed for 2 hours
letting the GPS lead us astray
stepping in my powdered sugar
making powdered sugar footprints
turning down a 4-course meal for chicken nuggets
trying to get our room cool enough, but the AC won't go below 60 degrees
having heart-to-heart talks about nothing and everything
wearing socks inside my heels
sharing my cancer story with strangers
hitting a 75% off sale at Bath and Body Works
listening to my children tell me they love me over the phone

Ahhhhh.....memories! Some good. Some strange. And yes, some not-so-great. The key is to laugh through it all!!

eternity into the moment

2011-06-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

I heard this statement today: Jesus means to bring eternity into the moment and hope to the world.

Eternity into the moment. Interesting. What does this mean? I sit and ponder for awhile.

My kids are so concerned about the future. I wonder if it's because they feel scared or uncertain or unsafe. They are constantly asking questions about the future and worried about what may or may not come to pass. I can sometimes see the panic in their eyes and hear the concern in their voices. I do my best to not make promises about the future. Although I desperately want them to feel safe and secure, I feel its important that they learn to trust God for the future. We really only have this moment. It's a scary concept for a 9 an 7 year old child to fully grasp, and I wonder if I'm explaining it well enough for them to understand.

I never want my kids to think I have all the answers. So we stop and pray and ask God for guidance. When my children ask me impossible questions about the future, they're probably sick of hearing me constantly repeat: It doesn't matter. All that matters is knowing that God wants to direct us and He always wants good for us. This act of living in faith for our future needs to be applied to the present moments, too.

So what does eternity into the moment mean to me? I tend to think of this phrase as having two distinct interpretations:

1. Live each moment with thoughts of eternity in the forefront.
   How do my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, my attitudes effect my eternal life?
   How does each moment effect the kingdom of God?

2. Cherish each moment as though every moment were an eternity.
   I imagine freeze-framing a smile, a kind word, a laugh, an act of service.
   These moments make up our existence.
   Every moment of our entire life is spent setting an example. *sobering thought

As I think more about the moments in my life (those past, present and future), I can hardly keep the direction of my thoughts away from faith and trust. Having trust in God frees me up to enjoy my moments AND give my moments back to God.

I suppose that kids will always be kids. Their childlike faith often convicts me, and other times I know their faith can only grow stronger when it's forced to be drawn upon through tough choices and hard times. I never want them to suffer, but I will be happy if they can always remember this one truth: I can trust God no matter what.